


Frail Cupcakes

by TacticalCupcakes



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Domestic Violence, Flashbacks, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 24,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22787632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TacticalCupcakes/pseuds/TacticalCupcakes
Summary: "Make it stop..."Natsuki isn't a stranger to uncomfortable flashbacks, flinching at the slightest movements, or bolting awake in the middle of the night; she'd always assumed this was normal behaviour. However, it becomes clear to her that this *isn't* normal. Which leads her to beg the question: "Why is this happening to me?"Trigger warnings are listed in the tags.
Comments: 35
Kudos: 110





	1. Uncertain

…

……

………

_That… that should be enough distance, right? There’s no way he could have followed me this far…_

Finally allowing myself the opportunity to rest, I slump down against a low brick wall and try to reclaim my breath; did I drop it somewhere a mile ago? All I can feel is the painful beating of my heart in my chest, and my energy is completely spent. Even though I was in no condition to make any kind of escape, I just couldn’t make myself stop running. It wasn’t until I looked around and finally noticed the sky was blotted out with murky black ink that I realized how long I’d been going.

But it all worked out in the end, and I can finally be at ease.

“…are you confident in that statement?”

My blood becomes frigid and thorny as I turn towards the direction of the voice.

“Hey there, little bean. Did you get lost?”

_W-What? No, that… that can’t be possible! I was so careful with where I went!_

“Don’t be silly, there’s no way you could lose me! We’re inseparable!”

He strides over slowly, and I suddenly realize that I’m a lot shorter than before. I try to get up and run, but my rapidly shrinking legs can no longer outpace him, and I trip on the loose gravel in the road.

“Oh dear, did you screw up again? I thought I’d taught you better than that; how’re you going to make a good impression on people if you can’t even walk right?”

“P-Please… I d-didn’t mean it…” I whimper, feebly pulling myself backwards as he gets closer.

“It’s okay; looks like I’m just going to have to make you understand…”

I weakly shield my face with my arms as his arm raises. Like a hungry snake, it lunges at me and-

“ ** _HELP!_** ”

Cold sweat paints my forehead as I shoot upright in bed, yelling in fear.

Adrenaline pumps my breathing into overdrive as I frantically look around the room until I’m finally able to convince myself that it was only a dream, and that I don’t have anything to worry about.

 _Or at least, I_ shouldn’t _have anything to worry about, right…? Then why…?_

Luckily I don’t think I woke anybody else up with my outburst, otherwise there’d be more fallout to deal with. Right now the only concern is the fact that I’m now scared to try and go back to sleep.

Mind you, that’s not exactly a new issue; I’ve always had problems getting to sleep. I mean, you probably would as well if it was a total shot in the dark as to whether or not you’d end up getting started out of bed by your own overactive imagination.

“…why is this happening to me?”

Cupping my face in my hands, I let out a soft sob. It doesn’t take long for me to feel the hot tears running down my face.

Outside of the window, it’s eerily calm, a stark difference to what’s going on in here. Rather than complete darkness, it’s a soothing navy-blue, with not a cloud in sight. A gentle wind playfully tickles the trees, making a pleasant shimmering sound.

_It looks nice out there… I wish I could appreciate stuff like that rather than just always being on edge…_

I’m not sure if I’m shivering because I’m cold or because I’m worked up. I try to make myself believe it’s the former, and I pull my duvet back over me. Perhaps against my better judgment, I shakily lay my head back down onto the pillow, and try to force my eyes shut. Although I know it’s a complete gamble if I’ll either get some sleep or if I’ll just jump right back into the flashback that woke me up in the first place, I know I need to try and get _some_ sleep.

_Right now it’s safe, I’m safe, I’m in my bed and I can feel the warm blankets wrapping me up… it’s clear outside, and I can hear the nice sound of the leaves…_

Sometimes I feel like it helps if I try to list things I know are true about where I am right now; it grounds me in reality rather than feeding into those dark places I go to whenever I hear a certain noise or I see someone who looks like him, or…

_Breathe… you’re trying to push those thoughts away, remember? Think of something that makes you happy, something that’ll help you relax…_

_Heh, good joke, me. I can’t remember the last time I felt relaxed._

Turning over in my bed, I let out a tired sigh.

_Is this going to be what it’s like forever?_


	2. Tired

I’m not sure when I ended up falling asleep again, but however much sleep I _did_ manage to get didn’t really help; all I remember is flopping back down in my bed, and suddenly it’s bright out and my stomach’s yelling at me for food.

With the enthusiasm of a sloth, I slink downstairs in pursuit of breakfast. I’m greeted by the pleasant smell of fragrant tea drifting dreamily through the corridor. On my way to the kitchen I find its source; a gentle figure wrapped in a light cardigan, nursing a porcelain cup in one hand, and reading something off of her phone with the other.

It’s been… well, ages… since Yuri invited me to move in with her. I don’t think I’d be around if she hadn’t; or, at the very least, I wouldn’t have the agency to believe I _could_ still be around. Whilst I usually find it difficult to swallow my pride, I’d be the first to admit that there are loads of things I owe her for.

Evidently, she hears me passing by, and calls out to me, still focusing on whatever it is she’s reading.

“Oh, good morning Natsuki,” she pauses to take a sip of her tea, visibly savouring the flavour. “Did you sleep well last night?”

Instead of giving her an answer, I choose to just stand there blinking quietly. When she doesn’t get a response, she looks up with a gasp. If she hadn’t guessed before, she definitely knew now, based on the ever-present dark rings painted on my face as though I’d forgotten to wipe off last night’s eyeshadow.

She closes her eyes, sighing sadly. “Again?”

I nod sheepishly.

“W-Would… Would it help to talk about it?”

“Eh…” I shrug, “nothing more than the usual really happened.”

“Was it more of-“

She suddenly stops herself, glancing away nervously, “I-I mean, Um…”

Throughout the time we’ve spent together, she’s gotten pretty good at knowing the sorts of words that can bring up bad memories or put me on edge, and the fact that she’s going through that effort to begin with is touching. However, she still needs to work on finding her voice again after interrupting herself. Fortunately, I’m around to save her by filling in the blanks.

“…yeah, he was there.”

“Oh, Natsuki…” she turns back towards me, “are you sure you’re alright? It might help if-“

“I’m fine!” I snap, immediately regretting the outburst once I realize what had happened.

I take a deliberate, deep breath before continuing. “Sorry, I… look, I’m fine. I think I’m just a bit tired still is all. You’re right, maybe it _would_ help if I talked about it a little…”

“Are you sure…?”

“Yeah… I’m gonna go get some food quickly, but afterwards we can talk for a bit if that’s okay?”

“Nat, of course it’s okay…” she says softly, “do whatever you have to; I’ll be here waiting.”

With a polite smile, I duck out of the room and continue on towards my destination. Once I finally reach the kitchen, I stop and rub my eyes, doing my best to stifle a sigh.

_What the hell was that earlier? Did I really… get frustrated…?_

_No… No, I don’t… I don’t want to be like him…_

Even though it’s been a while since I last had to worry about him, I’m still haunted by the stuff my dad did to me. As much as I might want to deny it or push it away, it’s just a fact that he’s still getting the last laugh by having that bit of control over me still. The constant worrying, the sleep troubles, the irritability I have as a result… I’m… honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared that this is just a preview of what’s to come, and that eventually I’ll be lashing out at Yuri and everyone else around me. I’m scared that as time goes on, I’m just going to get further and further wound up and more and more burnt out, like an overused Catherine wheel.

_No, stop! That’s not going to happen. It can’t. I won’t let it!_

As if to try and physically get the thoughts out, I shake my head quickly. Yuri’s waiting for me in the other room, and I’m hungry; I’m not about to get sucked down into some existential spiral this early in the morning, and definitely not before I’ve had breakfast.

_I… I don’t have time for this right now… I… I’m just so tired of this._


	3. Sugar

Stifling a yawn, I lazily reach into the kitchen cupboard, tracing my finger along the boxes inside until I come across my prize: a bright box of sweet cereal.

I know it’s not exactly the healthiest way to start the day, but I’ve never been able to kick my sweet tooth. Even though it took a while for me to get comfortable enough to have a preference for the food available to me, I still found myself glossing over the boring stuff and instead reaching for the super sugary cereal that makes the milk go a different colour. 

As I pour the cereal out into the bowl, I think of what someone like Monika would think if she were to have some. She’s your stereotypical ace; sociable, likeable, more hobbies than minutes in the day, but also an incredible health nut. She’d probably end up clutching her stomach, yelling that it’s way too sweet as she downs five espressos to cancel out the taste.

I chuckle to myself. Even if it’s not the best for my body, it’s good for my mind. It’s a small thing, but it’s an area in my life where I feel I have control; I actively made the choice to have this specific cereal, and I can have it as often as I like. Even if my days (Or nights, nowadays) are full of chaos and the unknown, it’s comforting to know that at least I’ll get to start off the day with this.

After adding milk (which of course, I added  _ after _ the cereal), I bring my treat back to the table where Yuri is and take a seat. As I spoon a generous helping of pink rice puffs into my mouth, I catch her smiling.

“You know,” she says playfully, “just because that’s strawberry  _ flavoured _ doesn’t mean it counts as fruit.”

I can’t stop myself from letting out a small titter. “H-Hey! It’s still got vitamins in it! It says so on the box!”

“I know, I know…”

She takes a sip from her cup of tea, and turns to look out the window.

“Do you, um, want to… maybe do something outside today? I know you’re probably not feeling totally refreshed after last night, b-but…”

Still eating, I raise an eyebrow curiously. “No, I think that’d… be good. Some sun and fresh air is probably what I need right about now. What’d you have in mind?”

“W-Well, I was thinking of taking a blanket and setting up a little picnic over in the park; I could even call Sayori or Monika to see if they’d be willing to join us.”

I mull over the thought in my head. Although it’d be nice to just spend a relaxing time with Yuri in the park with the warm sun and the vibrant smell of the grass in the wind, I haven’t really done ‘friend stuff” in person for a while now.

_ But that’s not really my fault, is it? It’s not like I’ve been actively avoiding hanging out with my friends; it’s just, I’ll be trying to have a good time and then something happens that reminds me of the stuff he used to do, and then I’ll get caught up in trying to not freak out but then I’ll get conscious of the fact that I’m trying not to freak out which makes it even harder to- _

“Natsuki, breathe…”

I initially flinch when I feel Yuri’s hand on my shoulder, but relax slightly when I remember where I am.

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to; we can always-”

“No… No, I should go… I’m pretty sure if I don’t see them soon, they’ll start wondering if I’ve actually become a  _ hikkikimori…  _ or I guess it’d be a ‘Natsukimori’, right?”

I nervously laugh, hoping to get a sympathetic smile at least. However, my joke falls flatter than a glass of fizzy pop left out overnight.

“A-Are you sure?”

“Yeah… it’ll be fun, right?” 

She gives me a reassuring nod.

“Okay, I’ll go… but only if there’ll be jam sandwiches.”

“Sure. I’ll even cut the crusts off and put a little note with them.”

“H-Hey! I’m not a little kid!”

I try to feign anger but I can’t take myself seriously enough to, and end up just laughing. Fortunately, this time the joke lands smoothly.

“I’m gonna shower and stuff first, but I’ll come down and help pack things up after,” I say, finishing up my cereal.

“Wonderful! Today’s going to be lovely…”

_ Yeah… today will be good, won’t it? _


	4. Meandering

Showering definitely made me feel better; maybe it’s the warm safety of the water recharging me, or the fact that I’m making myself just a little bit more presentable, but I’m actually looking forward to heading out today. I could do with something relaxing, and a nice spot outside with good company, strawberry jam sandwiches, and that soft yellow and pink checkered blanket I like sounds like the perfect plan.

Downstairs, I can hear Yuri humming to herself, no doubt putting together a happy little lunch filled with all sorts of delightful treats. I can’t help but smile; whilst she can get a bit insecure in a crowd, she’s clearly in command when she’s in her element. 

However, even though it’s undeniably peaceful, I still feel an uncomfortable shiver running up my spine. Maybe it’s _because_ it’s so peaceful; I’d grown accustomed to the sound of sudden shouting and the occasional shattering of glass, and as a result I’m always on edge trying to brace myself for it. The fact that it doesn’t come just makes me even more anxious, kind of like a balloon getting bigger and bigger but refusing to pop, preferring to hold itself together with tension and wide eyes.

_No, stop it! I’m not in that place anymore! Why can’t I just leave it behind?_

I hastily finish getting myself ready to face the day, and finally head downstairs again. 

“There you are!” Yuri smiles at me. Her tall frame is wrapped in a crisp sundress and a light cardigan, and she has a wicker basket hanging loosely from her arm. “Are you ready to go?”

“I think so…” I scratch the back of my head sheepishly. “I kinda wish I’d known we were gonna do this; maybe I could’ve made a nice sponge cake.”

“S-Sorry, I know it was a bit of a spur of the moment decision,” Yuri blushes lightly.

“Nah, it’s okay; that just means we’ll have something to look forward to for next time!”

_of course, that’s assuming there is gonna be a next time._

…

The air is pleasantly fresh as we walk over to the park, and I’m grateful for it; even if I didn’t get enough sleep last night, the warm breeze is doing wonders for my energy levels. Of course, in a few minutes or so that’ll probably change because I’m ‘needy’ or ‘difficult’, or any number of qualities that were taught to me by my childhood.

_And now I’m making excuses. Let’s go ahead and add ‘defiant’ to the list whilst we’re at it._

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s getting like this about this sort of thing; after all, everyone had some fights with their parents, right? I’m probably overthinking all of this; it’s not… it’s not…

_No, it’s not. Just keep repeating that to yourself._

_It’s not._

_It’s not._

_It’s not._

Suddenly, I hear footsteps stopping a little bit in front of me. Snapping out of my daze, I hurry back to Yuri, hoping I hadn’t stalled long enough to make her worry.

“Sorry, I, uh,” I nervously tug at the collar of my shirt as I try to think of a convincing lie, “I thought I saw a cat over there!”

Yuri raises an eyebrow, then frowns to herself.

“Um… are you… feeling okay, Nat?”

I sigh, but I guess my resting face convinces her she upset me.

“N-Not to say you’re looking ill or anything!” she stammers, reaching for her hair to fiddle with, “I, um, oh goodness…”

“Heh, nah, you’re fine. I guess I’m just… well…”

As I catch up to her, we start walking along again.

“What do you do when you’re… being bothered by something?”

Knowing what I do now about Yuri and some of her ways of coping with things, I immediately regret the question. However, she doesn’t appear to make the connection and instead takes a moment to ponder.

“Hmm... “ she twirls around a lock of hair with her finger, “I suppose it’d depend on what that thing was. Why, is there something on your mind?”

“Eh, I dunno… maybe?”

“I see…”

She looks ahead wistfully. She’s not an idiot; I know she’s able to tell I’m still feeling uneasy about last night’s dream, but she’s too polite to say so.

“W-Well, if you’re able to determine what’s ea-”

I’m not sure what she was trying to stop herself from saying, but based on her expression it seems she was barely able to.

“T-That is, if you’re able to determine what’s _bothering_ you… I’m always willing to lend an ear. As long as, um, you let me have it back later…”

She laughs quietly to herself. I _think_ that was supposed to be a joke, so I humour her.

“Yeah… I guess I’ll think about it some more then.”

_Is that the best idea though? Didn’t my dad always tell me thinking about things too much was dangerous?_

I shake my head.

_Maybe I should just focus on the picnic for now..._


	5. Flash

“Ah, this looks like a nice spot!”

Yuri spreads out our blanket underneath the welcoming shade of an imposing tree on the outer side of the park, and lays the basket down to prepare everything. I kind of want to help out, but she’s probably got all of her stuff set up in a specific order; it’d be better if I just let her do her own thing.

It’s nice seeing her like this; this really is her kind of thing. I bet she’d fit right in with the teatime crowd of somewhere like southern England, spreading clotted cream and jam onto light, fluffy scones. She looks elegant and graceful, the bright sunlight illuminating her long flowing hair around her like a warm purple cloud.

_ Whereas I, on the other hand, look like a technicolour street urchin. _

“Will the others know where to find us?” I ask, fiddling with the edge of my shirt.

“Hmm… I suppose I should let them know where we are…” she furrows her brow thoughtfully.

Whilst she takes care of that, I decide to lean against the tall tree and strategically rest my eyes, allowing the comforting shade to wash over me. I forgot just how little sleep I’d gotten last night; it’s not long before I start to nod.

_ I wish it could be like this when I’m actually trying to sleep. The soft noise kind of helps; whenever I bolt upright from a particularly bad dream, I’m always really conscious of how loud the silence is. Maybe I should look into something to make a little noise like here… the swish of the leaves, the chirp of a little bird here and there, the muffled footsteps in the grass that sound like they’re getting closer… _

“Gotcha!”

I’m suddenly jerked out of my dozing by motivated arms lunging across me, holding me tightly in place. Reflexively I scream, trying to struggle against his grip.

“ _ W-Wait! I was good! Please! _ ”

His strangely thin fingers release me, and I scramble back in a vain attempt to push the kitchen wall further away.However, when I open my eyes I do not see him snarling down at me, but rather the shocked expressions of Sayori and Yuri.

“H-Hey! Natsuki!” Yuri runs over, and carefully starts rubbing my shoulder softly, as though she were afraid of breaking me. Well, breaking me further. “Shh now, i-it’s just Sayori!”

“H-Huh?” I gasp, trying and failing to coax my heart back into my ribcage. “N-No, It’s n-”

“W-We’re at the park, it’s around noon and, um, it’s… it’s summer! We’re going to have some tea with Sayori and Monika, remember?”

“O-Oh… Oh, yeah….”

For some reason, hearing her list all of these seemingly obvious things happening right now is… really helpful. 

“Sorry, I…” I sigh, hiding my shaking hands, “I guess… I must’ve fallen asleep and…”

“Heck, I didn’t mean to do all of that!” Sayori says in a panic, “I just thought it’d be funny to surprise you with like a side-tackle-hug-thing! Don’t be mad at me!”

_ Huh…? Oh wait…. oh no, I did that in front of… _

“S-Sayori!” I shoot upright, “no, you didn’t do anything wrong! I… I didn’t have the best night and…”

“Oh gosh, that’s awful! I’m sorry, I didn’t know!” 

“It’s fine… but please don’t do that again, okay?”

“What aren’t we doing again?” a new voice joins in.

“Oh, Monika!” Sayori whips around, “Natsuki just got a bit spooked because I gave her a sudden hug and-”

“Hey! I wasn’t scared!”

“Well, you’re white as a sheet,” Monika says skeptically. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, I’m just… tired of waiting for you guys to get here so we can eat!”

For a split second, she meets Yuri’s eyes, then she looks away and shrugs. “As long as you’re sure…”

As she goes off to tell Sayori something, Yuri pats me reassuringly. 

“D-Do you want to go home? I don’t mind telling them you’re not feeling like being around people right now…”

“No… No, it’s fine... “ I run a hand through my hair, “I need to be out doing things like a normal person. I’m not going to let some silly dream get in the way of some jam sandwiches with my friends!”

I say that, but I’m still barely containing the burst of adrenaline.  _ Why’d I freak out like that? And why’d I immediately think I was back there, when… _

_ Stop! That’s not gonna help! I just need to try and forget about that. _

_ Yeah… I can’t let myself get so worked up about stuff like that… _


	6. Soft

Before long, everyone is settled in on our blanket and helping themselves to lunch. Although I still have this panicked feeling stuck in my shoulders, I’m glad I’m actually outside doing stuff instead of getting caught up in my thoughts.

Finally shaking off some of my lingering agitation, I reach into the picnic basket that Yuri had brought along, pulling out a simple yet delightful sandwhich. As I bite into the fluffy bread, I’m immediately greeted by the wonderfully nostalgic flavour of strawberry jam skating across my tongue. 

Simple spread sandwhiches get a bit of a bad rap, but that’s just from people who don’t know what they’re talking about. Whilst they’re having a tantrum looking for a slice of mystery meat, I’ll be over here enjoying myself.

“Natsuki,” Monika clears her throat, “I’ve noticed a lot of the stuff you eat’s pretty… juvenile.”

“Psh, you sound like my dad…” I say mid-bite. “It shouldn’t matter as long as I’m eating it, right?”

Monika frowns, pointing at me off-handedly with the fork from her salad. “I’m just worried you’re not getting enough is a-”

“I’m fine!” I manage to barely keep my voice at a reasonable volume.  _ Why did that hit such a nerve…? _

“Monika, are you sure you’re not just jealous that you don’t have something tasty like she does?” Sayori teasingly sticks her tongue out.

“Sayori, you’re hardly one to take the moral high ground here,” Monika rolls her eyes. “When was the last time you ate a vegetable?”

“Eheh… do c-”

“No, crisps do not count.”

“Hey, lay off her,” I point right back at her with my sandwhich. “Who made you the food police?”

“I’m not trying to be a jerk; just saying, you need some protein. You can’t just live off of strawberries.”

Sayori proudly places a hand on her chest. 

“I’ll have you know that this very morning I had an egg with soldiers!”

“...soldiers?” Monika cocks an eyebrow.

“Oh my god,” I stifle a laugh, “how do you not know about egg and soldiers? What did you have for breakfast when you were little?”

“Yeah, they’re super cute! You have the runny egg and you cut your toast up into strips, right? They’re the soldiers, and they’re like ‘let’s go get the egg!’ and you bounce them along the plate like ‘aaah!’”

Damn… I missed this kind of thing. Just goofing off arguing about something dumb like breakfast; I forgot how fun it is to let myself get swept away like this.

“Yuri, they’re making this up, right? That’s not a real thing, surely.”

“U-Um…” Yuri hides a quiet titter behind her hand, “I’m sorry to disappoint, but…. m-my mum used to make egg and soldiers every now and then when I was very little…”

“Ha!” I pump my fist in joking victory, “we finally found something Monika didn’t know about!”

“Yes, forgive me if I’ve never heard about the incredible intricacies of eggs on toast cut into bits,” she rolls her eyes.

_ I guess Monika really isn’t as enlightened as I initially thought! _

Chuckling to myself, I finish off my sandwhich.  _ Well, I guess that’s her loss if she can’t appreciate the comforting simplicity of something like that. _

It’s true that I don’t have the most expansive diet; like, I’m really good at making sweets and pastries and stuff, it’s just… I never really had the freedom to develop my skills with more savoury things. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not culinarily illiterate like Sayori, but I start to lose confidence with anything more complicated than a simple  _ yakisoba _ . It’s what dad always used to eat, meaning that it’s also what I would be eating most of the time. I’d love to try making my own version of it detached from whatever it was he would make sometime; I don’t want to associate it with some of the not-so-nice things he’d…

_ Here we go again. Stop it; I’m not special. I didn’t have some kind of wild experience at home or anything; I’m sure that’s how everyone’s parents were with them. There’d be occasional nice spots, but those times are supposed to be like a rare treat from them for not getting on their bad side. Nobody else thinks about that stuff as much as I do, right?  _

“...Nat?”

I’m snapped out of my thoughts by Monika calling out to me.

“Huh?”

“You alright there? You kinda spaced out for a bit…”

“O-Oh, yeah… just… a lot on my mind, heh…”

“What’s up?” Sayori leans over, “a problem shared’s a problem halved, right?”

“...”

_...why won’t the words come out? _

I was trying to say ‘the breakfast discussion made me think about when I was little and what my dad was like back then’ but I physically can’t; it’s like there’s a sock in my throat. 

“I’m alright, I must still be a bit tired from last night.”

“Hmm…” Monika nods skeptically. “Alright, well… you know, we’re here if you get ‘tired’, okay?”

“Okay,  _ mum _ , geez!”

Sayori laughs at the comment, but Yuri instead watches silently from the sideline. 

_ She’s going to want to talk about this later, isn’t she? _


	7. Avoidance

The walk home is filled with a weird mix of stiff awkwardness and fluffy delight. Parts of today were really nice, but a couple of uncomfortable thoughts popped up and I made too big of a deal about it. I’m pretty sure I was able to downplay it enough to fool Monika and Sayori, but I’ve been living with Yuri for a while now; she’s gotten pretty good at reading me, which makes it hard to bluff an excuse.

“Natsuki, um…” she clears her throat, preparing to no doubt bring up the times I spaced out a bit, but I don’t really want to talk about that right now.

“I’m glad we did that today,” I interrupt, hoping I can steer the conversation away for long enough.

“N-Natsuki, please-”

“We really showed Monika with that breakfast talk, huh? I still can’t believe she’d never heard of-”

“Natsuki!” 

Her sudden shift in tone catches me completely off guard, making me jump back with an involuntary yelp. Almost immediately her firm expression melts away to one of intense guilt, as though she’d stepped on the tail of a kitten.

_ Damn it! This is exactly what I don’t want to be doing! I can’t just tell her I wasn’t focusing earlier. Why am I so jittery? _

“O-Oh my… Natsuki, I-I’m sorry, I-”

“What?!” I shout louder than I want to, desperately trying to hide the fact that my hands are shaking. “Why can’t we just forget about that? I’m fine!”

She looks down, as though carefully choosing her next words.

“... Natsuki… it’s okay to ask for help-”

“I don’t need help! I’m not in that place anymore, it’s okay now!”

“That’s partially true, but there’s clearly still something going on…”

I let out a frustrated sigh. “Can we not do this right now?”

The further we go, the more and more I feel as though I’m being cornered. I know that if we go down that route, it’s going to hurt a lot. Today was actually nice, and I don’t want it to be soured by a big feelings dump. 

“I-I don’t like seeing you like this…” she shuffles uncomfortably, running her fingers through her thick hair as though it were a security blanket.

“Can we at least wait until tomorrow?” 

“...O-Okay…” she responds quietly.

The rest of the walk back is mostly silent; How did this happen? Just a little while ago, we were mucking about weren’t we? If Yuri’s making this big of a deal about it, then… did the others catch on?

_...I don’t want to think about that right now… _

…

After a couple of hours to myself in my room, I feel like I was able to cool down a little. I regret being so combative earlier; I really should go and apologize, shouldn’t I?

As I head down the staircase, I faintly hear her voice coming from the living room. I’m not usually one to eavesdrop, but… I don’t want to interrupt whatever she’s doing. 

_ I’m not listening in; I’m being considerate. Yeah, that’s it. _

“I… I’m just… really worried about her…” she says with restrained pain in her voice. “I think I made things w-worse…”

A sharp pang of guilt sticks into my heart.  _ Idiot! You know she’s doing her best to tolerate you! How can you be so self-centred? _

There’s a slight pause; she’s probably on the phone, which means she’s thinking about things enough to want advice. 

“I won’t pretend to know what she’s going through, but… this is the third time this week she’s had night terrors, and I… I feel so powerless. I want to help her so much, and make things better, but… I-I don’t think I can do  _ anything _ .”

_ Oh fuck… I screwed up.  _ It had never occurred to me how much trouble I must be causing her. 

_ How can I be that much of a jerk? She’s way out of her depth and instead of throwing her a lifebelt I’m chucking bowling balls at her. _

Am I… really that bad? Everyone has nightmares, right? But all of those times where I’ve woken up shouting… she heard that?

_ Oh no… we really do need to talk about this, don’t we? _


	8. Break

After a few moments, I hear Yuri putting her phone down and letting out a pent-up sigh. It’s clear that this has been weighing heavily on her for a long time, and I can’t believe I’ve been so selfish to not notice it.

Taking a deep breath in the hopes that it’ll give me the necessary confidence to face her, I knock on the door.

“Hey,” I say, trying not to give off the impression that I had been eavesdropping, “do you have a minute?”

“O-Oh, of course,” she turns to face me, and I take a seat next to her. The welcoming plushness of the setee doesn’t do much to sooth the stirring butterflies caught in my stomach.

“Y-You, um… you didn’t happen to hear any of that, did you?”

_Geez, she really is attentive. And I really am not conscious of the fact that there are other people who exist separately from me._

“Listen,” I say, my lip already quivering, “I-I… I kn… I…”

_...Why can’t I say it?_

As much as I try to force myself, I can’t speak. It’s taking all of my resolve to not break down, but I can already feel the familiar ache of tears in my eyes.

“Natsuki…?” Yuri cocks her head at me.

“...eee…”

_Why,..? I want to say I’m sorry! Why is this so difficult?_

inching towards me, she wraps an arm around me, reassuringly stroking my shoulder with her thumb.

Evidently, that was exactly enough to make me crumble.

I instinctively find myself burying my head in her shoulder, gripping her tightly as though she’d drift like a dandelion seed if I let go.

“Fuck… why am I crying?! W-What’s wrong with me?!”

“Shh, now… it’s okay…” she coos, rocking slightly.

“N-No, it’s… i-it’s really not though… I-I’ve been an absolute terror to live with, and-”

“There there now… just breathe, alright? We’ll worry about that later, just try to focus on breathing for now.”

This isn’t how I wanted this to go. I was hoping I could prove I’m not some scared little girl way out of her depth, who’s unable to make it through a day without getting on anyone’s nerves. I was supposed to apologize for how thoughtless I’ve been, and how I shouldn’t be letting stuff get to me so much. Yet here I am, my face burning with shame, being doted on like a kitten with a sprained leg.

“I… I don’t w-want you to have to worry about me so much…”

“...I know. But… this isn’t your fault. You don’t have to be afraid of having emotions; you’re human, Natsuki. You’re allowed to feel.”

_This should be making me feel better… but…_

“This isn’t fair to you though,” I sniffle, “I come live in your house and eat your food and make a racket and-”

“Natsuki…” the pity in her voice is palpable, “do you really think you’ve been that vexing to live with?”

“B-But… you’re just so… nice to me... “

In the back of my head, I know that eventually this’ll become too much for her. It could be a couple of months, or a couple of weeks, or even a couple of days.

_It’ll be just like it used to be when I was back there. First there’ll be the time where she doesn’t want to hug me like this. Then there’ll be the snappy comeback. After that, I won’t be getting as much food because I’ve been acting out, and then… and then… and…_

I start shivering at the memory, and the sound in the room begins to dim until I can hear those lumbering footsteps and the unforgiving clicking of his belt buckle. 

“N-No… N-No, I… I was good…”

“Natsuki!” 

I’m pushed backwards, and I see a pair of familiar purple eyes.

“N-Natsuki!”

_What’s going on?!_

“Natsuki, what are five things you can see in this room?”

“U-Uh…” I stammer, “t-there’s a small table, your phone…”

“Yes? W-What else?”  
“I-I…. a cat toy, sh-shoes, and a candle…”

“Good… okay, what are four things you can hear?”

_Wait… I’m…_

“The leaves on the trees outside, the clock ticking, m-my heartbeat, and… your voice?”

_I’m… not there, am I?_

“You’re doing great… now, three things you can smell?”

_Why’s she doing this? And why’s it making me feel… so calm?_

“Uh… I guess your conditioner, one of those candles, and tea…”

“Two things you can feel?”

I let out a soft breath. “Your hair and my shirt…”

“Last one; something you can taste.”

“I mean, the food we had at the picnic was pretty good…”

I don’t know what she did, but I feel much more at ease than I did going into this. Although I feel super tired…

_Crying a tonne will do that._

“Yuri?”

“Hm?” 

I pull back a little, scruffily wiping my eyes. ‘what was that?.”

“Oh, um… it’s something I’d read could help with anxiety and dissociating. Did it help?”

“Y’know, yeah… t--thanks, I guess…”

The two of us sit in silence for a few moments as the world falls back into place.

“Listen,” I clear my throat, “I’m… sorry I’ve been so hard to live with…”

“Please, it’s really fine,” she shows me a warm smile. “I won’t pressure you to talk about anything you don’t want to, but… t-there’s something going on, and I want to help you…”

“Okay… but can we wait until tomorrow? I suddenly feel… really tired…”

“Of course,” she says with a polite titter. “I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Alright… thanks…”

_Tomorrow is a brand new day…_


	9. Jolt

With a sigh, I drag my tired body up to my room and slip into bed. Today’s been… well, it’s been a day. 

I still don’t know what made me lose it back there though… when I think about that stuff, or try to practice saying it out loud whilst I’m alone, I don’t have any problems. However, as soon as someone else is involved, my voice completely dries up. Am I really so weak that I can’t bring up some silly stuff from when I was little without it becoming a whole thing? And why is all of this happening  _ now _ ? Where was this when I was still living with… him…?

_ Maybe it was there all along; I just didn’t notice it in the moment. _

“What am I gonna do, Teacup?” I reach for the plush cat underneath the covers and bring it close to my chest. 

_ Heh, I like to make a big deal about how I’m not a kid, yet I still need a stuffed toy to sleep.  _

I’ve had this little guy for as long as I can remember; my dad might’ve wanted me to get rid of him, but I just couldn’t. I even hid him in my bag when I went to school to keep him safe.

Whilst a soft toy is all well and good, It’d be nice to have the company of a real cat when I tried to sleep; they’re soft and warm and it’s kind of impossible to be upset whilst hearing a cat purr. Yuri’s cat Mango is usually pretty friendly, but she tends to follow Yuri around, leaving me by myself.

Even though I’m under the blankets, I feel an uncomfortable chill running along my spine like a disjointed xylophone. I feel like I’m caught in a weird place when it comes to physical contact with people; A lack of the good kind growing up leaves me craving it, whilst an abundance of the bad kind makes me petrified when it does happen. 

_ Like, outside of Yuri, I don’t know if I remember the last time I was comfortable being touched by someone else. Especially when… _

_ “Why do you make me do this to you?!” _

_ “What. Will. It. Take. For. You. To. Get. It?!” _

_ “Useless fucking spoilt dyke!” _

_ “Grow the fuck up!” _

I flinch at each painful syllable as I shove my face into my pillow to muffle my sobs. When he’s asleep is one of the few times I don’t have to constantly be on guard, so it’s super frustrating when I threaten that by not being able to shut up.

_ Stop it! You can’t wake him up, stop crying! _

_... _

_...but he’s not here… _

Wow… I can’t even follow a simple train of thought without losing it, huh? Even though I’m not there anymore, my first instinct is to try and hide rather than ask for help. I was kind of hoping I’d be able to move past all of this silly stuff when I left, but no matter how much I try to tell myself I’m over it… I’m really not, am I?

I know it’s normal to be afraid of your parents, but most people can let go of that once they get through high school. 

And it’s gotten to a point where it’s affecting the people I care about; whilst I’m scrambling around like an over-caffeinated chipmunk when I get a pat on the back, Yuri’s probably exhausting herself over my constant whining. She’s doing her best to put on a brave face, but her tone of voice earlier showed much more than she’d ever let on. Meanwhile, Sayori’s living her best life as usual, and Monika’s doing alright, so… I’m the only one finding reasons to complain.

I squeeze Teacup tightly against my chest and scrunch my eyes tightly, as if that’ll push out all of the annoying memories clouding my head. Of course, all that does is make me more conscious that I’m trying not to think about that stuff, which in turn makes me focus on it more…

_ Ugh _ .

At this point, I just want to get to tomorrow. The anticipation is kind of getting to me, but surely it’ll be better once I actually talk things out with Yuri, right?

_ I sure hope so, at least… _


	10. The talk

_...ugh. _

I struggle to push myself upright, but the weight of my eyelids throws off my centre of balance and I plummet back into the mess of blankets and pillows on my bed. Despite the sunlight shining brighter than a  _ Serebii  _ on the eight-thousandth reset, it’s little match for the comforting warmth the covers provide. 

_ When did it become morning? I don’t even remember falling asleep, and I sure as hell don’t feel like I did… _

it’s weird how it’s much easier to fall asleep if you want to wake up,and how trying to sleep keeps you up. Maybe it’s because when you’re trying to sleep you’re like, pretending to be asleep until you actually fall asleep, and then a couple of hours later you get a sudden burst that jolts you awake, and the finally when morning comes and you’re supposed to be awake, your body suddenly forgets you had been asleep already.

_ Does that even make any sense? I don’t know, I just want to stay in bed for a little bit longerrrrr… _

_ … _

I’m not sure how much longer I slept, but I’m woken up by a light scratching sound coming from the other side of my bedroom door. I groggily stumble out of bed and open the door carefully. Gently, even.

“Brrrm!”

Mango enthusiastically rubs up against my legs; it’s ticklish, like I’m running through tall grass. Her energy is infectious, and after a quick shower I’m following her downstairs.

“What do you want, you li’l noodle?” I giggle as she flops down on the living room floor with a satisfying  _ whump! _

Kneeling down, I reach out and stroke her soft, fluffy fur. Her calming purr bounces across my fingers as she shows her appreciation.

“Someone sounds happy!”

I turn around and see Yuri leaning against the doorframe with a smile as warm as the mug of tea she’s holding.

“How’re you feeling?” she asks, taking a sip.

“Honestly? I’ve been better,” I shrug, continuing to pet Mango.

“Do you think you’d be up for having a bit of a chat?”

_ And there it is. _

Even though I knew this was coming, the question still sends an uncomfortable chill down my spine. I don’t want to make her worry too much about me…

_ But I guess we’re already far past that point based on last night. _

“Uh, sure… now’s as good a time as any, right?”

“Right…” 

She closes her eyes, as if choosing her next words carefully.

“Do you… um, last night… do you remember that ever happening in the past before?”

“What, losing it for no reason? 

“W-Well, that’s the thing; I don’t think it’s for no reason.”

“But that stuff’s not happening to me anymore!” I yell a little bit louder than I wanted to, spooking Mango into sauntering off. “I mean, I should be fine now, right?”

“Natsuki, relatively speaking it hasn’t been that long,” she twirls a strand of hair thoughtfully in her fingers, “I don’t want to sound like an armchair psychologist or anything, but… there’s clearly some trauma there from it.”

“Oh great,” I huff, “so it’s not enough that my dad would hurt me; I’m also this weak little kid who can’t handle thinking about it.”

“You are  _ not _ weak,” she says, more sternly than I think I’ve ever heard her speak. “You’re allowed to ask for help, and it doesn’t make you weak to recognize that you need it.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this though! I was supposed to be done with it, but I tricked myself into thinking I could be anything more than some sad broken-”

“Natsuki.”

I look up at her. There’s clear pain and pity in her eyes.

“M-May I, um… come a bit closer?”

I’m about to say something, but I’m afraid I’ll break down if I do, so I decide to just nod instead. She slowly walks over and sits down next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. It’s only just now that I realize how tense I am; my shoulders ache from constantly being so alert, ready at any moment to flee.

_ That can’t be good. Maybe that’s why I’m so tired all the time; it’s exhausting to always be watching out for something. _

“I can understand that this is scary and difficult. That said, it  _ can _ get better, and I believe you’re strong enough to get there.”

“Where…” I clear my throat and take a deep breath to get composed again, “where do we start then?”


	11. Happy Box

“Oh, I have an idea!”

Yuri calmly walks across the room and retrieves a small wooden box. It’s dark and smooth, like a silky chocolate. A nostalgic smile plays across her face, and she gently lifts the lid off of it.

“So, t-this… I initially made this several years ago, but I’ve been adding to it every now and then. I was thinking that it could be something fun for us to do; it’s kind of like a first-aid kit, only it treats emotional pain rather than the physical.”

I raise an eyebrow skeptically. “How does that work?”

“Well… remember how last night we were going over things that correlate to the different senses? That’s an exercise meant to keep oneself grounded if they start to dissociate. This box has several small things in it that correspond to different senses, making it easier to do alone.”

“So, it’s kinda like a ‘happy box’?”

“That’s a nice way of looking at it,” she smiles bashfully. “I-If you’d like, I could show you what’s in here, and then I can help you make one of your own?”

“Heh… y’know, that might actually be kinda fun; go on then, what’ve you got inside there?”

With a satisfying  _ pop! _ , Yuri removes the lid from the box, and passes it over to me. There’s a tonne of different things inside, ranging from practical to personal.

_ Well, there should be at least one thing per sense according to her, right?  _

The first object I pull out is a tiny bottle of jasmine oil. Swishing it around with my fingers, it feels like it’s about half-empty.

“Ah,” she sighs, “you know, most people believe that our sense of smell has a huge effect on our memories. That specific bottle was from the cultural festival; that scent brings back those feelings, and reminds me that it’s worth pressing onwards.”

_ Scents being tied to memories… _

I’d never thought about it before, but it’s true how certain scents can whisk you away to different times. Like, when I was super little and my mum was still in the picture, she’d make really tasty  _ yakisoba _ ; teriyaki sauce to this day still makes me yearn for a plate of those noodles. On the flipside, that suffocating smell of cheap cologne and greasy saucepans always makes me tense up for some reason.

There’s a few other bits and bobs with no story behind them, such as a small silver bell and a fidget cube. However, two things inside really stand out to me; a delicately folded sheet of paper, and a photo.

The picture shows two smart-looking adults with delicate smiles standing amongst a well-kept flower garden. Between them stands a very young Yuri, timidly peeking out from her already long hair whilst carefully nursing an Ice cream. Despite evidently being camera shy, there’s still a look of genuine happiness on her face. 

“Yuri! Look, you’re so small!” I laugh, presenting the picture. 

“A-Ah!” she stammers, “w-well, yes, most children a-are small…”

“No, but you’re so fragile and small and look like you need to be protected but also like your hair’s a little shield!”

She smiles softly at the memory. “That was my sixth birthday; my parents were often quite busy, but they did their best to let me know they cared about me. My mum would often take me for walks around the park nearby, and I was fascinated by all the different plants they had; roses, chrysanthemums, tulips, lilies, and lavender, which was her favourite.”

“That sounds… relaxing.” I ponder, looking back at the picture. There’s an innocent sparkle in her eyes that’s… well, not  _ absent _ ; there’s definitely  _ something _ pretty hidden behind her dark eyes. It figures that she’d be just as hard to read as the typical books she’s interested in.

_ Why does everything I think sound mean? _

Although it’s a nice memory for Yuri, I can’t help but selfishly feel a pang of jealousy. Whilst I got along well with my mum, she wasn’t around for too long, and then it was just me and my dad. But he wasn’t bad  _ all _ the time! Just…  _ nearly  _ all of the time. Like, if I was quiet and did what I was told, I could hang out in my room just fine. 

I know that’s how dads usually act, but I just can’t picture the man in this photo acting that way towards Yuri. He looks like the kind of guy who would give you a lollipop and a pat on the head if you tripped and got a scrape.  _ My _ dad, on the other hand, would come running to “give you something to really cry about if you don’t shut up!”

“Natsuki?”

“Huh?”

“A-Are you alright? You just flinched now…”

_ Did I? _

“Oh, uh, yeah…” I scratch the back of my head sheepishly, “sorry, I was just… thinking of something…”

I carefully put the photo back into the box and pull out the folded up paper.

“Hold on… this is the poem I let you keep back when we were leading up to the festival stuff!”

Yuri’s face flushes a bright strawberry red. “I-I, u-um, well, you  _ did _ say I c-could keep it…”

“Do you… really think that highly of my writing that you’d stick it amongst the other things in here?”

“O-Of course! I know in the past we’ve had our differences, but… I really do enjoy that piece of yours.”

If we were standing amongst our friends in the literature club, I might’ve made some kind of smug, snarky comment about how that was to be expected from a galaxy-brain top-tier writer such as myself, but now I just… feel very humbled.

“I see…” I can’t hide my smile, as much as I try to. 

This has been, to use a cliche, a really eye-opening experience. I think I’ve gotten a good handle on what kinds of things to stick in a “happy box”.

_ So I guess that means I should look for things to make my own! _


	12. Rosy Frames

I gently clasp the lid back onto the box, handing it back to Yuri. I knew that she liked to find hidden meaning behind things, but she actually puts a lot of thought into it rather than just going with whatever sounds fancy or smart. It really puts her poems in a different light; whilst I might’ve initially written her off (heh, pun) as being brooding and pretentious, there actually is a lot going on in her head, isn’t there?

“Thank you for showing me that; I think making myself one of these would be a great idea!”

“Oh, wonderful!” she claps, as if she were a teacher that had finally made a breakthrough with the super quiet kid, “I’ll go find another little box for you!”

As she heads out of the room, I decide to go back upstairs to pick out some stuff to put inside it. Given the circumstances of my… move, I wasn’t able to take _too_ much of my stuff with me, but I’d made sure to stuff some personal keepsakes into my bag when I made my escape. There’s got to be at least a few things that I could use, right? At the very least, I’m hoping to get the sight and touch items taken care of; those would probably be the easiest.

I pull out the slightly dusty bag from underneath my bed, and start rummaging through. It’s not long before my fingers brush against something small and round, but with some kind of bump on top. I pull out a small green toy frog; it has little red eyes and a stripy pattern resembling seaweed, with its little hands proudly stretched across its belly.

_Oh, no way! I remember this!_

When I was really little, when mum went out to the shops, she sometimes brought back these really nice-smelling bath ball things that would fizz in the hot water, and then a little frog toy would float up to the surface. Just holding the toy brings me back to a happy Tuesday evening where I’m splashing around in the bath, the anticipating fizz of the bath bomb, and the peppy scent as the frog made its grand exit from the water.

I used to have a bunch of them but over the years I guess I’d lost them. I’m really happy I found at least one of them though, so he’s going in the box.

_What else have we got in here…_

I fumble through the bag again, and I feel a metal ring around my finger. Pulling it out, it turns out to be a keyring attached to a blue toy robot. He has a huge grin and wide eyes, with a button on its stomach. I instinctively smile as I look it over; the robot was in an anime I really liked as a kid, and Papa had gotten it for me when I turned four. I was fascinated by it; when you pressed the button, its eyes would whirl around into a different expression.

 _See? It wasn’t_ all _bad, right? There was a time when he was actually quite nice..._

Absentmindedly, I press the button over and over again, hearing the whooshing of the toy as I stare off into space. I do have _some_ good memories with my dad; granted, they’re all when I was a kid and whilst mum was still in the picture, but… he didn’t _always_ resort to…

I flinch, shaking my head to try and stop that train of thought before it leaves the station, and put the keyring next to the frog. Whilst I doubt there’ll be something edible in here, there _has_ to be something I can use for the sound component...

As if on cue, I find a small music box; one of the really tiny metal ones with the little handle you wind. It takes me a little while to recognize the melody, but after a few turns it’s clear; it’s playing _Teddy Bear’s picnic_ . I don’t remember ever receiving it from anyone, but I’ve always just kinda _had_ it. I turn the music box over, and notice some scribbled writing on the bottom.

“ _To my little bean,_

_Love, Papa”_

I drop the music box, the words seeming to send icicles through my hands. Just reading that nickname feels like I’m trying to push bricks off of my chest with my heartbeat alone. He used to call me that all the time; initially it was a funny name you’d give a little kid, but eventually it became a signal that it was time to behave. 

_...maybe I should go and see if Yuri has something I could have instead..._


	13. Plum Blossoms

I take a few breaths, trying to stay grounded. I will not be beaten by a music box, especially one with a song about dancing teddy bears on a folded blanket eating sandwiches with the crusts cut off. It’ll take more than that to get-

_ Knock-Knock! _ _   
_ “Eek!”

I scurry backwards as the door opens, revealing Yuri. Her calm smile melts away quickly, and she almost drops the small box she’s holding.

“O-Oh gosh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you, I thought-”

“No, you’re fine…” I sigh, running a hand through my hair. “I was just… thinking about things. I guess I wasn’t all there, eheh…”

I try to coolly laugh it off, but it instead comes out as a weird, awkward chuckle. Thankfully, Yuri doesn’t seem to mind. Or at least, she doesn’t show it.

“W-Well, I just wanted to let you know that… I found this box you might like to put your things inside. Were you able to find enough items amongst your things?”

“A couple,” I hold up the small toys I’d set aside. “I was only able to cover the sight and touch parts though. I don’t suppose you’d have anything else around I could use?”

“Hmm…” Yuri closes her eyes, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. “You know, I think I might have something helpful… I’ll be right back, okay?”

I nod, and she places the box she’d been holding next to me on the ground before swiftly turning around to retrieve whatever she had in mind.

_ I suppose I’ll get a better look at this in the meantime… _

The box is made of smooth, dark wood with abstract patterns carved into the sides. I unlatch the lid, expecting it to be empty. Instead, there’s a tiny piece of paper inside with some writing on it:

_ Plum Blossoms in Snow, _

_ Soon they shall wither and fall, _

_ Even if it melts. _

It looks like Yuri’s handwriting, but it’s way too simple and short to be something she came up with. The gesture’s nice though; I think I understand the meaning behind the haiku, but I’ll have to remember to ask her about it later.

As I’m carefully putting the little toys from earlier into the box, Yuri returns with a tiny glass bottle, and shyly hands it to me. 

“I,um, thought this would be suitable for the scent component…” she bashfully fiddles with a loose strand of her thick hair, “i-it’s essential oils derived from gardenias.”

“Wow… are you sure you want to give me this?” I ask. I know how much these things mean to her.

“Oh yes; I was going through my collection, trying to find something soothing and gentle, and that just seemed to be the ticket. It has a comforting, gentle aroma that reminds me of a whimsical field of flowers in the summer. As the scent drifts through the air, I can easily imagine carelessly running through the meadows, the grass tickling my legs…”

She closes her eyes and brings her hand close to her heart. “It’s curious how much scent can affect our mood, and what it can make us recall.”

_ When she’s talking about her hobbies, she actually looks comfortable in her own skin. She really does have a nice smile… _

_...wait, why does my face feel hot all of a sudden? _

“You really thought about this a lot, huh? Even though you didn’t have to.”

“Well, of course I didn’t  _ have  _ to,” she says warmly, “but, um, I thought it might help to have something with a bit of a personal touch amongst the items you’ve chosen to keep in your box.”

I’m left speechless by just how blunt she’s being. Normally she’s whirling around in hidden meanings and metaphors, but here she’s just coming out and saying what she means.

“...Thanks…”

_ Geez, all I’ve been doing is whinging about a couple of bad memories. I really need to think of a way to pay her back for this… giving me the idea about this box, providing the box itself, and even supplying a couple of things for the inside… _

_ Oh, that reminds me… _

“Oh yeah,” I clear my throat, “when I opened up the box earlier, there was a haiku inside; did you put that in there?”

She glances off to the side for a moment, then suddenly her eyes light up.

“Y-Yes! I did! I hope that’s okay; I wanted to put something in there that could encompass both of our writing styles.”

“Hm? How so?”

“Well, it’s a haiku, so it’s structurally quite simple, but there’s a lot of different ways you can interpret it. I like to think of it as if it’s saying life goes on, even as we change, and the world around us changes. Even if the snow around the plum blossoms melts, the flower will still wilt; it’s inevitable. So it’s important to appreciate the beauty of the flower blooming amidst the snow.”

Her face glows with a smile that tugs at my chest. “T-That’s… why’re-”

I’m unable to finish my thought, as my phone decides to totally ruin the moment by ringing loudly. 

“O-Oh, I suppose I should let you take that…” Yuri tucks a strand of hair behind her ear before awkwardly shuffling out of the room. Before I can reach out to stop her, she’s already gone.

_ Ugh… what’s this now? _


	14. Famished & Forgetful

“Hello?” I answer the phone with a little bit more annoyance than I would’ve liked.

“Hey, Nat!” Sayori speaks cheerfully but picks up on my tone of voice, “...is this a bad time?”

“No, no,” I sigh, “It’s... nothing. What’s going on?”

I didn’t mean for that to sound so accusatory, but it just kind of came out without me thinking. Fortunately, Sayori doesn’t seem to be bothered by my lack of manners. Or at least if it does, she doesn’t let it show.

“So hey, I… kinda wanted to say sorry for spooking you when we were all hanging out together; I feel like I made things a bit awkward, and I wanted to try and make things up to you if that’s okay?”

_ Oh great… so now I made her feel guilty about me just being jumpy. _

“Nah, it wasn’t that bad; I was just a bit out of it that day. I was kind of spacing out because I didn’t sleep well, and… you just caught me off guard is all! It’s not like I was actually scared, I was just… surprised!”

_ Oh my god Natsuki, stop talking. _

“A-Anyway,” I clear my throat, “what did you have in mind?”

I hear Sayori titter quietly. “Have you had lunch yet? There’s this cu- uh, really nice place downtown, I think you’d love it!”

At the mention of lunch, my stomach growls rebelliously, and I only just realize that I haven’t even eaten today; I must’ve gotten sidetracked whilst going through everything so far. Is that even possible? How do you forget to eat? 

Although on the other hand, I’d gotten pretty accustomed to that bubbly hungry feeling and learnt to deal with it, so maybe I really  _ had _ forgotten until the opportunity for food presented itself. As much as I don’t want to take advantage of Sayori’s unwarranted apology…

“You know what? That’d be great,” I sigh, rubbing my stomach. “I mean, I was about to whip something together, but I’m always up for checking out new places.”

_ Why’d I feel the need to come up with some kind of justification or excuse? It’s like, whenever someone asks me if I’m hungry or want food, my initial reflexive reaction is to always say something like “nah I’m fine, I have food I’m saving for later”? _

“Great! Do you mind if I text you the name of the place? We can meet up outside in like… half an hour?”

“That sounds perfect. See you there!”

“Yay! Byeee!”

_ *Click*! _

I let out a long sigh, and take my bag from the back of my bedroom door, slinging it over my shoulder. I don’t often go out to places to eat; occasionally if I was out and about with Yuri we would stop in at little tea shops if she felt like she needed a bit of a break from the crowds of people out on a particularly nice day, and it would always be a convenient excuse to pick up a tasty sweet. 

There was also a time a while back where I had breakfast with Monika of all people. I had these  _ amazing _ fluffy pancakes, but more importantly it was one of the few times I’ve seen her really open up. Monika tends to keep to herself alot, preferring to project this powerful, charismatic aura. It was almost as though she knew people saw her as this archetypal perfect person, and she didn’t want to challenge that image even if it came at the cost of her own stress. 

But I haven’t really gotten the chance to hang out with Sayori much outside of when we all meet up as a group. She feels like the kind of person you’d have fun being around, but I want to get to know her a bit better. I can’t really find the words for it, but there’s something about her that she doesn’t let out when she’s around other people.

As I make my way through the house, Yuri notices me as I pass by, looking up from whatever she’d been reading on her phone.

“Oh? Are you headed out?”

“Yeah… Sayori called and wanted me to go get food with her.”

“W-Will you be alright on your own? Would you like me to…”

“Geez, of course I’ll be alright!” I say a bit louder than I was hoping. “Sorry; nah, yeah, I’ll be fine.”

She sighs before offering me a pensive smile. “A-Alright… I’ll see you later then, okay?”

I return her smile and give her a nod, then head out of the door.

_ I didn’t mean to yell, but… I can handle myself on my own! I’m not some sad, scared, lost little bean… _

_...right? _


	15. Noisy annoyance

Compared to how I was earlier, I’m feeling pretty great right now; I’m on my way to hang out with a friend, with no expectations of me or any heavy stuff. Just a fun day to unwind from… well, not much really. It’s not exactly as though I lead the most high-octane life, but it’s still nice every once in a while to be able to put everything aside for a bit.

The air smells fresh and invigorating as I walk, the gravel beneath my feet crunching and kicking up small dust clouds. Having a little walk alone like this is surprisingly comforting; with how hectic I’ve been making things for myself, you’d think I’d want someone around to pick up the pieces, but not having to explain anything or hold a conversation is pretty relaxing.

_ I mean, I’m usually by myself anyway… maybe I’m just trying to compensate for that by coming up with as many ways that can be a good thing as possible? _

I shrug to myself, shaking my head.  _ I guess in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter.  _

My stomach growls loudly, further driving me forward towards the promise of food. Fortunately, it shouldn’t be that much further, assuming Sayori gave me the right address.  _ I hope they have nice stuff there. And not because I’m a picky eater, Monika! I just know what I like; is that a crime? _

As I get closer to the downtown area I can feel my shoulders tensing up; why am I getting so nervous? It’s just Sayori; I get that the other day I got spooked a little bit, and she tends be full of energy, she likes to make a lot of noise and excitement, she’s pretty keen on getting up close and into your personal space, she likes to give you sudden hugs from behind, especially when you’re least expecting them which causes you to freak out and forget where you are, and then that makes everyone feel awkward because you’re getting super jumpy over a friend giving you a hug and-

**_BEEEEEEEE!_ **

“YA-HAH!”

I leap what feels like several metres in the air, defensively covering my head with my arms. I want to run away, but I can’t; I’m rooted to the spot, my eyes scrunched tightly shut. Everything around me is a blurry haze, and all I can hear is a vague mass of voices and wind and…

_ What’s going on?! What did I do?!  _

“ _ Good… now, what are four things you can hear? _ ”

_ Hold on… that’s right, what did Yuri say to do? Four things I can hear? _

I can’t discern what they’re saying, but I hear people talking with each other. There’s also the racket of a cicada, steps on pavement, and… I think I can also hear a bird singing.

“ _ Now, three things you can smell?” _

I guess pollen in the air would count? There’s also the faint scent of car exhaust, but that’s overtaken by a wonderful smell of baking bread. It tickles my stomach, drawing me back to the present.

_ Yeah, that’s right… I was going to meet up with Sayori, right? We were going to get food together… _

Slowly, I open my eyes, lowering my arms and sighing. 

“If I’m still doing this, I can feel the sun on my skin and the wind tousling my hair…”

Ugh… this isn’t going to happen every time some random loud noise pops up, is it? I thought I’d only have to steer clear of things that might remind me of the stuff I went through; is this just my life now? Where I have to tiptoe around my own sense of safety, careful to not trip over my thoughts and suddenly start freaking out whenever there’s something I wasn’t expecting.

_ I sure hope not… that little episode alone was more than enough for today… _

Adrenaline is still pumping through me, causing a wavy, rushing feeling to pulse through my hands and up my arms. However, I managed to get things under control again, and all by myself too!   
_ Heh, what am I, some little kid? ‘look at me, I did it without any help! Reward please!’ _

Most importantly though, I got that all out of the way before I met up with Sayori. I can’t imagine how we’d be able to have a normal afternoon out together if she’d seen me go through all that. She’d probably think I’m some sort of-

“Natsuki!”

_ Urk. _

I slowly turn around to see Sayori standing across the street, her eyes wide with concern.

_ Oh no. _


	16. Dazed and Dilly-Dallying

As Sayori runs towards me, time slows to an unbearable crawl. I desperately try to shake off the urge to shiver as my body is filled with an unnerving chill. How could this happen? I just wanted to try and forget about things for just a moment, and go have fun with a friend. Why do I have to get spooked by  _ a car horn _ of all things? Especially right in front of her. This is painfully humiliating; I’d try to run myself, but all I can do is stare forwards and try and come up with a convincing excuse in the longest ten seconds to ever exist.

“Natsuki!” she calls out again, “what happened? Are you hurt at all?”

“I-I…” I clear my throat, “yeah, nah, I’m fine… I just don’t… like it when there’s sudden loud noises like that…”

“Oh no! I’m sorry if I dragged you through at a bad time,” she looks down at the ground, seemingly accepting my lack of explanation.

“it’s not your f-fault that there are jerks out there with  _ n-no manners and just lay on their horn like a memory-foam mattress _ .”

The adrenaline won’t let me settle down, making me shake and shiver with raw energy unable to be let out. I try my best to discreetly rub my arms to try and stave away the feeling that I’m freezing cold despite being outside in the warm sun.

Mercifully, Sayori doesn’t catch on, and she cracks a smile. “Don’t worry, they’ll get their just desserts; when they stop at the petrol station and fill up their car, they’re gonna see how close the price is to lining up with the amount they’ve poured. They’ll keep squeezing the pump little-by-little, and then they’ll realize they’ve gone  _ just _ over. Their day’ll be ruined!”

_ Is that… really the most nefarious thing she can wish upon someone? How is she this innocent still? Her world really is full of lollipops and sunshine; I’m not sure she even knows how to be sad. _

“Heh,” my teeth chatter, “y-you’re really something, y’know?”

“Emery always says I’m a silly ol’ noodle head, but I like to think that means I have  _ flavour _ . Everyone loves noodles!”

Okay,  _ that _ gets a laugh out of me. I wish I could have such a positive outlook on life as Sayori does. Although it probably helps that she’s bubbly and energetic and pretty; I’m kind of like the exact opposite, being a standoffish gremlin that just reads “kid books” and “won’t grow up” and “was a mistake”. Whilst she was probably chasing butterflies as a kid, I was the one being chased.

_ Woah, that took a bit of a turn, didn’t it? Let’s dial it back a bit, Nat, okay? _

“S-So!” I say  _ just  _ before the silence becomes awkward, “how’d you find out about this place you wanted us to go to?”

“Oh yeah!” her eyes light up, “alright, so ages ago there was this awesome diner across town, right? They had some really good stuff; like, huge pancakes that barely cost anything. And I know there’s other diners around town, but because of that, you could pretty reliably get a table at this place. It was nice and quiet, and the atmosphere was just so relaxed; I remember going there all the time with Emery when we were younger…”

She smiles to herself, her face flushing at the memory. “We’d get the straws with the paper and tear off the end so that you could like go ‘phwoot!’ and shoot the paper bit at the other person! We’d always try and see who could do it first, haha!”

_ Okay, I’m not quite sure what you’re saying anymore… _

“But I guess the other places were just a little bit  _ too _ popular, because the old diner ended up having to close down… since then, I’ve been trying to find somewhere that makes pancakes like they used to, and I think I’ve found that somewhere!”

I raise an eyebrow, but don’t say anything. When I can afford to be, I know I’m pretty particular about my food, so I can understand where she’s coming from. It can be nice to have a constant in life; it’s a way of taking back control, you know? So when that’s taken away, you start to get uneasy, because that’s one less choice you’re able to make. I’ve been having the same cereal for ages now for similar reasons; before I left my old home, I never really got a say in what was available to me so now that I’ve got this thing that I picked out myself, I feel strangely empowered. If whoever makes that cereal stops, I’d be pretty upset, because even though it’s something as dumb as cereal, it was an important moment for me to choose it. 

“Ah! Here we are!” Sayori beams, coming to an abrupt stop.

_ Does Sayori feel the same way about her pancakes? Looks like we’ll find out soon enough… _


	17. Fluffy feelings

The restaurant is surprisingly more quiet than I would’ve expected, but I’m not complaining. After all, I don’t want to end up making an even bigger idiot out of myself by chucking my cutlery across the room whenever someone else yells about wanting to speak to the manager about how their fried eggs are half a degree too cold. 

Sayori eagerly runs in and slides into a booth, signalling me to sit opposite her. I wish I knew the secret behind her ability to make anything exciting. 

Given the relative lull in service, it’s not long before someone approaches us and takes our orders. Naturally, Sayori orders a stack of the pancakes she’d been going on about earlier, an expectant gleam in her eyes. Not wanting to risk upsetting her, I decide to order my own plate.

“You’re gonna  _ love _ these, Natsuki!” Sayori beams, swinging her legs underneath the table like a little kid. 

“Heh, I think I’d appreciate just about anything right about now.”

My stomach growls loudly as I finish my sentence, as if to add emphasis. I turn away in embarrassment, hoping that Sayori will gloss over it.

“I can hear that!” she giggles. “Don’t worry, soon you’ll have some yummy food for your tummy!”

I just barely manage to stop myself from snapping back at her about how she’s treating me like a kid.  _ Getting mad here wouldn’t help. And she’s right, after all… _

The wonderfully sweet scent of cinnamon and sugar drifts through the air as our pancakes are brought out to us, accompanied by two tall, cool glasses of water. Puffs of steam rise up from them invitingly, swirling around my head like soft petals. It takes a monumental amount of willpower not to immediately dig in, but I manage to hold off. Sayori was the one who suggested we come here, after all.

Sayori eagerly slathers syrup over her pancakes and shovels a big slice into her mouth, somehow not getting any of it on her face. 

“Eeee, it’sh shoooo GOOD, Natsh’ki!” she says through a mouthful of pancake. She takes another couple of bites before she notices I haven’t started yet.

“Aren’t you going to have that?” she cocks an eyebrow up at me, pointing at my plate with her fork.

_ Uh… oh, right! it’s just us here, so I should be okay to eat now… _

“Ah, sorry,” I blink a couple of times before glancing down at the innocent stack of pancakes waiting to be eaten. I carefully drizzle a suitable amount of syrup on top, and take a comparatively small bite.

_ Oh wow, she wasn’t kidding. _

I’m immediately engulfed in a whirlwind of flavour; there’s just the right amount of each ingredient to give them a perfect fluffiness, and I can taste the accents of vanilla and cinnamon peppered throughout. It’s only further enhanced by the genuine maple syrup, tying everything together perfectly in a polka-dot ribbon.

‘Oh my god... I’m so glad it’s just us so I don’t have to wait to have more of this!” I happily exclaim, excitedly taking another, larger bite.

“Why would you have to wait?” Sayori laughs, dabbing some stray syrup away with a serviette.

“Well, I can’t imagine how hard it’d be for you to resist these if you were here with your family instead of me, y’know? I know  _ i  _ would be doing everything I could to not reach for fork before my dad had had his fill…”

“Eh? What do you mean, Natsuki?”

“It’s rude to eat before your parents are all done, right? I was always taught it was like,  _ super _ bad to take food before my dad did; y’know, in case he wanted more?”

“Um… I would usually eat alongside my mum and dad whenever we had like a big to-do about a meal. In fact, mum’d usually want me to eat first.”

I smirk, taking another bite. “Geez, that sounds awesome; your mum sounds super nice!”

For a second, the characteristic twinkle in Sayori’s eyes dims, revealing an unsettlingly dull blue.

“Natsuki… it’s not normal for parents to withhold food like that.”

“Huh? That’s…”

Her words ring around inside of my head, like a loose racquetball. I thought that was what everyone had, right? Sure, in high school there’d be people with their own food, but that was just because they happened to have enough left over once their parents were done… it was “their money” going towards it, so it’d be up to their will rather than “withholding” it… 

_ Am I… the exception? I always thought what I’d grown up in  _ was  _ normal; do other people not fear their dads?  _

“Sorry if I made things awkward,” she laughs sheepishly, glancing off to the side. Again, her happiness seems to flicker off for just a moment.

I take a slow, deliberate drink of water, thinking over my next words.

“Sayori… is it okay if I ask you a question?”


	18. Thorny thoughts

“Huh? A question?” Sayori blinks expectantly, “Sure, what’s going on?”

“What sorts of…” I fiddle uncomfortably with my cutlery, unsure of how to phrase it without sounding weird, “what was it like? Y’know, when you and Emery were little?”

She smirks, her cheeks glowing softly at the mention of her childhood friend. “Eh? I mean, sure I can tell you, but… I never thought you’d be interested in that stuff. How come you’re asking now?”

“I…”

I can’t exactly outright say “tell me what your parents and his parents were like because I want to see if my dad is really an outlier, but I didn’t really have anyone to compare him to when I was little so I thought he  _ was  _ “normal”, but the way you reacted earlier when I mentioned some stuff about how he was around me makes me think…

_ Geez, I can’t exactly just sit here having a rant in my own head either. _

“I’m, uh, just curious. What sorts of things did you get up to?”

Sayori lets out a soft sigh(ori), tracing little circles on the table with her finger.

“Well, when we were really little we’d go to the nearby park and play on the swingsets. We’d always see who could go higher,” she laughs to herself. “He swears one time that he did a full loop over the railing, but I was just happy to ha-, um, happy to do stuff together.”

“Ooh! And in the summer, our families would go to the beach together! We’d make this nice little spot that was our  _ territory _ , with a nice little shaded tent thingy and towels and stuff, and his mum would always get us ice creams after we’d spent all day running around in the sand. Oh, and my dad got us both kites, and I really liked flying them with Emery; they’d float around without a care in the world. Heh, Those were happy days…”

She looks off to the side with… Yuri would probably say she looked “wistful” or something, but this is Sayori we’re talking about; her and “sad” don’t really go together. Yet this expression she’s got is so… I don’t know, but it makes me feel uneasy.

“I mean, you still see him all the time, right?”

“Well sure, it’s just... I guess a part of me just misses those times.”

“You can always go to the beach together though, can’t you?”

“Eheh, yeah, but don’t you sometimes wish you could be a kid again? Where you could just run around and all you had to worry about was whether your mum had remembered to get the cookies you liked from the shops?”

“Uh… yeah, I think I get what you mean.”

_ I don’t get what she means. _

“What about you though? If you could be a kid again, what would you do?”

I pause for a moment, trying to think of something that doesn’t sound bad.I don’t want to ruin the mood by saying something like “it sucked when I was a kid”, but it’s kind of unnerving how difficult it is for me to think of something I liked from back then.

_ Something I miss from when I was younger… I guess my dad didn’t go as far as he would do more recently? Like it might only be a slight clip around the head, or a single belt strike rather than multiple, so he was a little bit kinder? Or when I was REALLY little, when mum was still in the picture; one time, I remember my dad taking me to get a small birthday cake, and I was allowed to eat it first. But that doesn’t sound like what she’s referring to. Based on how she’s talking about her and Emery’s parents, maybe I’M the odd one out. This whole time I thought I was the norm, but… am I the exception? _

“Natsuki?”

“Huh?”

I feel a light tap on my shoulder, and reflexively flinch away from it. Sayori’s looking back at me with heavy eyes.

“You kind of had this… I don’t know, really sad expression and kind of froze up. Sorry, should I not have brought it up?”

“Oh, god, no, you’re fine. It makes sense that you wouldn’t know, but I kind of feel weird talking about my parents.”

Sayori gently squeezes her thumbs, looking down thoughtfully.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

Curious, I nod.

“Remember a while ago when I told you sometimes I get a little raincloud? Sometimes, it can feel like the entire sky’s overcast, you know? A lot of things have happened, and even when I feel like I’m putting my best foot forward, I trip and fall face first into a big puddle.”

“Truth be told, those rainy days happen a lot more often than it might seem. But that’s okay! Even if it doesn’t feel like it, I know that eventually, the storm will pass. That’s something I… only learnt very recently.”

“I don’t know  _ what _ exactly you’re going through, but I can tell there’s  _ something _ eating away at you. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay, but… I’m only a text away. Okay?”

_ Am I really that easy to read? What am I, “Pilferd the colossal carmine canine”?  _

“Sure… thanks, Sayori.” I offer her a weak smile.

“Okay. Sorry to make things so heavy, but let’s try to not beat ourselves up about stuff anymore and get back to these pancakes!”

“I’d like that.”


	19. Delightful Diversion

The rest of our time at the cafe was spent without much else going on; we kind of just finished up our pancakes before heading out. For the portion sizes, they ended up being surprisingly cheap; I can see why Sayori wanted to come here.

“Thanks for inviting me out here,” I say. “I think getting some food in me was just what I needed.”

“Of course!” Sayori grins. “What better way to spend the day than having tasty food with a friend? That’s like, two of the best days all rolled up into one like a jam roly-poly pudding!”

_ How is this person an adult? _

“Oh yeah! Do you mind if we check out this other place? Something you said earlier made me think about… well, you’ll see!”

I shrug. “Well, you’re not really giving me much to work with, but sure. Where do you want to go?”

…

“Here we go!”

I blink skeptically, looking back and forth between Sayori and the entrance to the “other place” she all but ran to.

“Sayori?”

“Yeah?”

“Why’re we at a toy shop?”

“Patience!” she sticks out her tongue, and gently pokes my nose before dramatically pointing forwards.Perhaps noticing that my level of enthusiasm isn’t matching hers, she shrinks in on herself slightly.

“I mean… we don’t have to go in if you don’t want to, but I promise it’ll be worth it.”

_ Well great, now I feel like a jerk. And I haven’t even done anything! It’s like I’ve got this general feeling of guilt just following me around everywhere and- _

“No, it’s cool. Let’s check it out,” I pat her lightly on the shoulder, and we both head inside.

All around the shop are various displays with dolls, action figures, and whatever else was the hot new craze of the season. Bright bursts of blue and red light up the walls, alongside posters depicting all sorts of merchandise. Behind an impressive set of model kits is a collection of cubbies holding all sorts of fun little things, whilst on the opposite side of the shop is a long, wide staircase. From the outside, I wouldn’t have guessed there’d be more than one floor, but knowing that there’s even more than what’s in front of me here fills me with awe.

“There’s something upstairs I want to pick up,” Sayori flashes me a smile, “I’ll only be a minute, okay?”

I nod, and she skips away. I decide to take a look at the enticing collection of miscellaneous toys near the back whilst she’s off on her quest for… whatever she wanted badly enough to run away from pancakes for.

The little compartments house smaller things like water snakes, cup-and-ball games, miniature animals, that sort of thing. Whilst I never really had those kinds of older toys as a kid, I’m still filled with a weird sense of nostalgia. Maybe because most of the things here relied on your imagination to have fun with?

When I was little, I didn’t really have a load of toys; of course I had Teacup, and we would often go on little adventures where we’d conquer the back garden or look for bumble bees amongst the flowers, and I had various little toys from school or stuff my mum’d gotten me. Oh, and I also had an older games console my mum had won in a raffle at work, which she then gave to me. It was awesome to have as a way to immerse myself in a happier world where rather than collecting bruises I was looking for adorable creatures or gems or shiny jigsaw pieces.

_ I wonder if I could get one of those again… _

in the middle of the compartment, I notice a tray with tiny little… tube things? They look like cans but really small and thin, and have a small paper label reading ‘bird sounds’’. Curiously, I reach in and pick one out, tilting it back and forth.

Sure enough, something inside gives off a small chirping sound with each tilt, vaguely like a generic bird call. It’s so simple, but… actually really satisfying. Maybe because we usually associate bird songs with being calm, or stereotypical perfect mornings. 

_ You know what, I did need a sound component for that ‘happy box’, didn’t I? This’d be perfect for that! _

I quickly run up to the front and pay for the little toy, pocketing it just as Sayori returns from upstairs carrying a larger bag than I was expecting. Whatever’s inside is flat, but I can’t imagine Sayori would want to make a sudden detour to pick up calendars.

“Okay, I’m ready!” she exclaims triumphantly, holding the bag up high.

“Eh? Ready for what?”

“Follow me,” she says with a smirk, “I think you’ll really like this.”


	20. Floating Freely

I don’t know what Sayori has planned, but I hope it involves sitting down for a bit. She’s nearly running to wherever she’s taking me, and won’t tell me what’s got her so excited. Whenever I ask, she just grins and says “You’ll see!”, then keeps running.

Most people probably wouldn’t think about it so much, but something about being taken somewhere I’m not familiar with makes me tense. That’s not to say I hate the idea of travel or anything, but I like knowing where I’m going and, more importantly, how I can get away if things go poorly.

At the very least, enough time has passed since we had brunch, so I’m probably not going to get a stitch from this. But if I do, I’m going to be upset, and will make sure everyone around me is aware of that. Even if… there doesn’t appear to be anyone except Sayori around.

“Alright, check it out!”   
  
Sayori beams, stretching her arm out forwards towards…

_ Oh wow… _

Any annoyance I might’ve had earlier is immediately washed away at the sight of the sparkling sea in front of us. Plush-looking sand stretches out wide across the ground, and a refreshing stream of salty air reinvigorates me.

“Ta-da! It’s the beach!” she hops across the sand. “Well, I guess it’s  _ a _ beach, but I really like this place! It’s a bit out of the way, so it doesn’t usually get crowded.”

Cautiously, I step forward, feeling the sand shift underneath my feet. It’s so simple, yet it’s somehow strangely comforting. I know this isn’t my first time going to a beach, but I’m still filled with wonder.

“Oh, right! I guess I should probably get down to the reason why I brought you here,” Sayori exclaims, producing the bag from earlier. She dramatically makes a show of reaching into it, and pulls out…

“Here! I got us some kites!” She laughs, handing one over to me. “I know you mentioned not being able to do much “childhood” stuff as a kid, so I wanted to try and help you make up for that lost time by doing something a little fun and silly.”

I glance up at Sayori’s expectant face, then down at the kite. It’s a soft pink with a white tail lined with several ribbons. It’s definitely what someone might call “cute”. Not me, of course, but the general appearance of it could lead a random passerby to make such an assumption.

Simply holding the kite gives me this warm feeling, kind of like I don’t have to worry about anything else for the time being. 

“...Thanks,” I give her a small smile, but there’s nothing hidden behind it; I’m genuinely happy that she thought about me enough to want to make a gesture like this.

“No sweat! Well, unless you want to start flying these things, then there might be a little bit whilst we run to get them off the ground, but other than that, no sweat!”

“Heh, come on then!”

We dash across the beach with our kites in tow, unspooling the string as they start to get carried by the wind, until soon they’re gliding freely up in the sky. The ribbons make a pleasant fluttering sound as they flap about, and the gentle tug of the string in my hand is almost comforting, kind of like my hand’s being held.

Sayori’s uncharacteristically silent, focusing intently on her own kite. I’ve never seen this kind of stern expression on her face before. Well, maybe one time, but it’s definitely not the norm. It’s not like she looks upset or anything, she just looks really in the zone. 

It’s okay though. I don’t feel like we need to say much right now; we can let our kites do the talking for a little bit. Evidently, mine appears to be saying something along the lines of “look at me! I’m the best at being a kite, and I want everyone to tell me that I’m the best kite!”

_...I think Sayori might be rubbing off on me. _

I’m really glad she invited me out today; this sort of thing is exactly what I needed. I didn’t think doing something as simple as getting food and flying kites would be affecting me so much, but I guess I really was missing that childlike wonder. 

Our two kites float above without a care, every now and then making their presence known with a flap through the air. I don’t know how long Sayori plans to just hang around flying kites together, but I wouldn’t mind staying here for a while.

Right now, all that matters is the soft breeze.


	21. Whirl & Twirl

“Ah! Look at them go!”

I stare up at the kites with wide eyes, watching them playfully flit about before finally dipping down. Sayori and I run over to collect them, and I feel an uncharacteristic spring in my step along the way.

“Heh… I think I really needed that,” I pause to catch my breath. “I know I’m not the best at this sort of thing, but… thanks. You’re… a good friend, Sayori.”

“Aww, Nat! I’m just happy I could make you happy!”

As I spool up the string from the kite and attempt to hand it back to Sayori, she pushes it back towards me.

“Oh, you can keep that! You’ll need it for when we start training for the grand kite championship race circuit!”

Coming from her, I don’t know if it’s a joke or not. _ I’ll just play it safe with a vague, non-committal laugh… _

“I’ll be sure to protect it from, uh… Yuri’s cat, I guess.”

“Wait, Yuri has a cat?!” she gasps, her eyes twinkling. “How come I never knew about this? I’m gonna be asking her to send me pictures of them later!”

“She’s called ‘Mango’ and she loves giving li’l headbonks.”

“Oh my gooooooosh, Natsuki! That’s the cutest thing!”

“She’s super friendly too; I bet you’d love her.”

I can see the cogs turning in her head as she tries to come up with a plan to casually be in the area and just so happen to have time to pop in and visit her friend’s cat. Of course, simply asking if she can come over probably won’t cross her mind until later. Before she can get too far though, a small chime comes from her phone.

“Heck, I need to get going! Emery wanted to teach me how to cook more stuff, so I shouldn’t dilly-dally much longer.”

“He can cook?” I raise an eyebrow, “I’d have thought anything more than instant ramen would go over his head.”

“I want to learn how to make spaghetti since he’s always calling me ‘noodle-head’! If I get really good at it, it’ll actually have a meaning!”

_ Heh, I can see that fitting… If I had a nickname, what would it be? Like, a proper, cool nickname and not an insult. Like ‘little be-’ _

I flinch, as if simply thinking about that name is painful.  _ Hopefully Sayori didn’t notice. _

“Ah, okay,” I sigh.  _ Can I just have a normal time out with a friend without some random bad memory sneaking in? _

“But hey! I had a lot of fun today; thanks for coming out to play today!”

I’m about to come back with some snarky comment about how she’s making it sound like we’re little kids, but I manage to hold my tongue. Today  _ was  _ really fun, and I don’t want to end on a petty note like that.

“I had a good time too. Go on then, don’t keep mega-block waiting!”

She jokingly puts on an exaggerated pout, then laughs and waves goodbye before turning away and running off, leaving me alone with the kite. 

“I guess we should probably head home, huh?”

The kite doesn’t respond. 

“Geez, you sure do have a way with words, don’t you?”

Again, the kite doesn’t respond. Because it’s a kite.

I tuck it under my arm, and start walking back to Yuri’s house. There’s a soft breeze tickling the ribbons that line it; the careless flapping of fabric helps make the otherwise quiet journey home a little less lonely.

I’m surprised it took this long for me to do something together with Sayori; maybe it’s a combination of her outward innocence and feeling awkward stepping between her and Emery, or maybe it’s because she seemed too bright and cheerful to be able to put up with me. But she’s actually a lot more perceptive than I had originally thought. 

When I actually think about it, what she did today was actually a pretty big gesture; she must’ve inferred that things weren’t so great for me when I was little and then went through the trouble to try and help me “catch up” on making those memories I didn’t back then… and she even did it without me asking her about it. A lot of the time she comes off as the town representative for Cloudcuckooland, but maybe I was too quick to judge.

_ I really don’t say it often enough, but… I’m glad she sees me as a friend. Thank you, Sayori. _


	22. Day's end

“ _Tadaima!_ ”

I close the door gently behind me and slip my shoes off, listening carefully for a response. However, instead of Yuri’s voice, I’m greeted by the _pap pap pap_ of little cat paws.

“Brrmmm!” Mango bonks her head into my shin before flopping down on my feet.

“Hey now, I need those to go places!” I laugh, kneeling down to give her a scratch underneath her chin. It’s so refreshing to come home to someone who’s genuinely happy to see that you actually returned. The fact that I’m even announcing my presence when I get back should speak volumes about how I feel about this place compared to what I came from.

Mango purrs, stretching out appreciatively as I scratch behind her ears. 

“Of course, you probably just want some tea, don’t you?”

Sure enough, as I stand up she _pap_ s away to the kitchen, peeking behind every now and then to be sure I’m following her. She leads me towards the fridge, which has a note stuck to the front written in Yuri’s impeccably pretty handwriting:

_Hello Natsuki,_

_Sorry to have left without notice; I didn’t want to disturb you whilst you were meeting up with Sayori; I went out to the shops to get some bits, but I might take some time to think about things before I return; if I’m not back yet, would you please give Mango her dinner? It’s on a white plate in the fridge. Feel free to make yourself something too if you’re hungry._

_Thank you,_

_~Yuri_

“Geez, you’re even super formal with stuff like this, huh?” I laugh as I finish the note. 

Sure enough, inside the fridge is a delicate white plate of cooked chicken, finely diced and placed with attention to presentation. Alongside it is a small sachet of that… I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s like gravy? Special gravy for cats. 

“Y’know, she really does spoil you, Mango…” I sigh, emptying the pouch out into the empty space Yuri had left on the plate, before placing the meal down beside her. It doesn’t take long for her to start digging in, clearly enjoying the ritzy treatment. 

_Well, with my obligations as cat caterer complete, I think we’re all set for an easygoing evening._

…

After a couple of lazy hours spent bouncing between handheld games and internet videos, I hear the front door open. There’s a quiet “ _Tadaima_ ”, then an impatient _Meow_ , and finally a polite laugh. I don’t think Mango’s little greetings will ever get old.

“ _Okari!”_ I call out as I make my way downstairs. “Busy day down at the office?”

“Huh? What do… o-oh, that was a joke, wasn’t it?”

_I’m here all week, everyone. And probably the next week too._

“How were things with Sayori?” Yuri asks, setting a small bag down on the ground.

“Y’know, it was actually pretty fun; we went out and got pancakes, then she wanted to go fly kites.”

“I, um, didn’t know you had a kite.”

“That’s probably because I didn’t; she actually went out to buy us each one, then like, literally ran to the beach.”

I gesture over to the cupboard I’d put the kite in earlier after taking care of Mango’s mealtime. Yuri curiously walks over, and gingerly turns the handle to reveal it in all of its ribbony glory.

“Goodness, it is very _you_ , isn’t it?” she titters, twirling the ribbons around in her finger.

“Yeah, yeah,” I wave off the comment, “she picked it out for me. But still, I didn’t expect her to go that far.”

“Hmm… perhaps she wanted to try and make up for the other day? When she, um, gave you a bit of a fright?”

“I… huh, I didn’t even think about that… was she blaming herself for how I reacted?”

“W-Well, I… I don’t want to put words in her mouth. She could have just been feeling generous, I suppose.”

“Hmm…” I lightly grip at my arm in thought, “maybe… but before that, we were talking about childhood stuff.”

She tries to hide her slight shock, but she’s not that good at it. “W-What do you mean?”

“It’s silly, really,” I sigh. “we talked about some things and I mentioned something that happened when I was a kid in kind of a jokey way, because I thought that’s what all kids went through. But her reaction was… kind of unnerving, honestly. She got a bit quiet and told me that it wasn’t normal for kids to have that going on and stuff.”

“Y-You told her about…?”

“What? No, hell no. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could,” I laugh nervously. “Nah, but then I asked her about the things she did as a kid so I could… I don’t know, compare? She said she’d go and fly kites with Emery, and then that she wanted to go fly kites with me.”

“I see…” she nods along thoughtfully, piecing together the story in her head. “Well, I’m glad you two had a good time.”

“Yeah... what about you? Get up to anything out there?”

Yuri opens her mouth to say something, but then stops, looking away as though in thought. 

“N-Nothing too exciting… just a little bit of a walk in the afternoon, really…”

_There’s definitely more to that, but I won’t press it now._

“Nothing wrong with that,” I shrug. “Maybe tomorrow we can do something cool together. I mean, like, if you want to and all…”

“I’d like that,” she smiles warmly. Something about that content expression makes me… I don’t know what, but… it does.

“Great! Then it’s a… uh, yeah, cool!”

I stumble over the words awkwardly, but thankfully she doesn’t notice.

“Then uh, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow? I mean, I will because we both live here, and I’m not really going anywhere else except upstairs, but…”

_Oh my god, stop talking._

“Uhuhu, alright.”


	23. Drifting off

Recently I’ve been a bit split on how I feel about when I get tired. On one hand, it’s nice to nestle up underneath the blankets and sink into the comfy mattress as it whisks me away to sleep, Teacup faithfully tucked under my arm. It’s also super cool if you’ve just shaved your legs because it’s like “I am sleek and silky smooth and aerodynamic, and I’m shimmying about in the sheets, aw yeah”.

But it always feels like I’m taking a huge gamble. Am I going to make it through the night, or am I going to wake up in a couple of hours yelling about some silly dream I had?

_ I say that now, but… in the moment it just feels so real. _

I guess all I can do is climb into bed and try not to think about that stuff. Maybe I can do some kind of memory game in my head or something?

_ Nah, I’d either get frustrated because I’d get too tired to properly focus on it, or I’d get worked up and end up staying awake anyway. _

Thinking about what I can do with Yuri tomorrow might be nice… it’s something to look forward to, so it shouldn’t be anything to worry about getting “correct”.

Slipping under the fluffy sheets, I flop down onto the pillow and close my eyes.

_ Let’s see… she’d probably like… _

…

_...hm? _

I groggily prop myself up, stretching out my arms. Even though I only had a relatively thin blanket, it’s just enough to help with the cold around this time of-

_...what? Wasn’t my blanket a lot more… I guess “weighty”? _

Rubbing my bleary eyes, I blink a couple of times and look around. The tiny blanket falls limply onto the bed as I turn, barely providing any kind of comfort. Rather than the pleasant curtains framing the windows of Yuri’s guest room, there are thick ones designed to keep light out. Instead of a delicate vase full of lavender, the desk only has a scruffy journal. And instead of the round door handle with a turning lock, there’s no handle on this door, allowing anyone to freely open and close it.

I was back at my old house. 

My heart sinks deeper down in my chest than I thought possible, and my veins freeze. I want to scream, but no noise comes out. All I can do is fall down with my hands against my head, desperately trying to make any kind of sound but failing no matter what I do.

“Is that how you really feel about me?”

_ Fuck. _

“There’s really no need to be melodramatic, is there?”

I hear the footsteps getting closer, but I can’t get myself to move; fear roots me to the spot, and all I can do is wait as they get louder and louder.

_ Thump. _

_ Thump. _

_ Thump. _

At last, the door swings open, revealing the person I thought I’d never have to see again.

“St-St-St-”

“ _ St-Stuttering again _ ? That’s really not a good look, Natsuki.”

My teeth chatter from the raw adrenaline pumping through me, but I can’t do anything with it. 

“That’s great, isn’t it?” he tuts to himself, taking another step towards me. “Not only is my only daughter a fucking  _ dyke _ , she’s making everyone think she’s some kind of invalid. Well, there’s something really important you’ve got to know,  _ sweetheart _ …”

He leans over me, his eyes filled with contempt.

“Nobody will believe you. You know that, right?”

Before I know what I’m doing, I’m taking a swing at him with my right hand. I really didn’t want to; I just watch in horror as my tiny, balled up fist instinctively flies at him. However, he’s prepared and catches my wrist.

“See, if you put that energy towards your manners, we might actually get somewhere!”

He releases me, but the relief is far too short-lived. Instead of going on his way, he turns around and I hear the all-too-familiar sound of a belt unbuckling.

“But once again, it falls on me to teach you these things.”

As much as I try to crawl backwards, I don’t move any kind of distance. The belt loudly snaps forward and-

“ **_PLEASE!_ ** ”

My eyes open and it’s completely dark as though it’s the middle of the night. I’m lying curled up on the floor with my blanket underneath me, and Teacup’s sat alone peeking out from the side of the bed frame.

“Natsuki…?” 

I yelp at the sound of knocking at the door, but I try to focus on the voice behind it.

“I-Is it alright if I come in? I heard banging and shouting…”

_ Oh, right… it’s Yuri. That’s right, I live here now… _

“Y-Yeah, sure…” 

The door opens up slowly, and Yuri takes a step inside. The look of slight concern on her face quickly shifts to clear pity once she sees me.

“Oh, Natsuki…”

I’m not sure if it’s the nerves or if I’m just cold, but I can’t stop shaking. I must’ve had some wild expression, because she immediately gets down to my level to help me up before wrapping her arms around me. Instinctively, I return the hug, although I think my grip is much tighter than hers. As she rubs my back, I can feel my shivering slow down a little.

“S-Sorry if I woke you up, eheh…” I try to laugh but it comes out as a choked sob. 

“Shhh now, don’t worry about that… just try to breathe, okay?”

_ Right, I can do that… in, out, in, out, in... out… _

As she goes to pull away, to my own surprise I cling to her. In any other scenario, I’m sure the two of us would be really embarrassed. but everything just feels really… natural. 

“Please… d-don’t go yet… I don’t want to fall asleep again…”

“Alright… let’s at least get you up onto the bed again, alright? I’ll stay here as long as you want me to.”


	24. Soporific Smiles

…

_...mmm… _

I wake up feeling much more content than normal. Rather than leaping out of bed yelling about silly stuff that went on in my dreams, I have the rare treat of lazily drifting out of sleep. I don’t know what it is, but I feel a comforting sense of warmth and… safety. I’m usually in such a rush to get out of bed because I don’t want to just resume a nightmare where I’d left it off, but today feels different.

_ Eh, let’s sleep in a little bit. I deserve an extra few minutes, right? _

Shifting slightly to get all comfy, I let out a sleepy sigh and cozy up to my pillow.

_ I know I ended up waking up earlier, but I guess Yuri helped out then. I’ll have to say thanks properly later. _

_ … _

_ Wait a minute…  _

I shift around again.

_ Is she… still here? _

“...Yuri?”

Behind me I hear a slight gasp.

“O-Oh! You’re awake!”

I cautiously turn around to see Yuri behind me. Her face flushes a deep red as she nervously scoots to the side.

“Did you actually stay here the whole night?” I ask, almost as embarrassed as she clearly is.

“Well, you, um, e-eventually tired out and fell asleep whilst I was here last night, and I tried to leave but you held onto me, a-and I didn’t want to wake you when you were finally settling down, s-so…”

“I did?”

“Yes… you looked so peaceful, but if I tried to pull away your expression would turn fearful and you’d hold on tighter…”

_ I’m gonna die. I might actually die right now. _

“I-It’s really quite alright!” “she stutters, “I didn’t mind staying here for the night. It was actually rather nice to have the company of someone besides Mango whilst I slept…”

_ Nope, now I’m definitely going to die. _

“Well, seeing as you’re awake now, I think I’m going to pop downstairs for breakfast… will you be coming down as well?”

“U-Uh, yeah, just give me a minute…”

Trying her best to blend into her own long hair, Yuri quickly dashes out of the room, leaving me alone to bury my face into my pillow. It’s honestly a miracle it doesn’t immediately burst into flames given how much I’m blushing right now.

_ What the hell was that?! How’d this happen?  _

_...well, I guess I was hoping I’d be able to get closer to Yuri since moving in with her, but this… _

Although… I  _ did _ sleep really well with her there…

_ Maybe I should ask if she would do it again… _

I smack my face a couple of times, hoping to return to my senses. 

_ Get a hold of yourself, Natsuki! It probably didn’t mean anything… she’d probably get annoyed if I pestered her about it. But if she didn’t, then surely she wouldn’t have stayed there the whole night, right? _

I turn over, running a hand through my hair. It’s way too early to be having this amount of gay angst. ‘lesbiangst’, if you will. 

_ Do I… does she… _

...We’re not dealing with that can of worms right now. I wouldn’t want to deal with cans of worms anyway; who the hell’s putting worms in cans, and who’s buying them?

_ Birds and fish, probably. _

Okay, no, enough. I’m definitely thinking about this way too much. I’m only here in the first place because I guilted her into letting me stay over, then took advantage of her kindness with stuff like last night. 

_ So let’s try and nip this in the bud. She was just being a good friend. A kind friend who is friendly and helpful and caring and warm and- _

_ Damn it, what did I just say about it not meaning anything? _

Today’s just going to be like any other day; last night didn’t mean anything. We’re going to decide on something fun to do as fun friends today, and we’re going to have a good time. 

_ I should probably head downstairs now, or else she’ll start to worry… _

After making myself presentable through a quick shower and a change of clothes, I hurry over to where Yuri is downstairs. Maybe after some breakfast I’ll start to think a little more clearly.

“A-Ah, there you are!” Yuri exclaims, then shies away as though she thought she was being too loud. “You, um, did you still want to do something together today?”

Oh, yeah, that’s right! I vaguely remember us making a plan to hang out somewhere other than inside, but I don’t think we got as far as picking out something to do.

“Yeah… I mean, if you had something fun in mind, I want to come along too. N-Not just because you’d be there too, of course, but… y’know, I just want to get used to being around people again.”

Thankfully not noticing the suspiciously specific denial, Yuri rests her hand on her chin, looking out of the window.

“Hmm… I think I have something in mind…”


	25. Shifting Sugar

“Yuri?”

“Yes, Natsuki?”

“I really hope this wasn’t your idea of something cool and fun for us to do together…”

It had been a pretty uneventful walk over, but I had expected Yuri to take me somewhere like the waterfront or around downtown, soaking in the nice weather whilst it’s still around. However, she had instead led me to the local supermarket. It’s not like we hadn’t gone here together before, but it was usually just as part of an errand. The way she spoke earlier made me think she’d had something special planned.

_ Unless she really does get a thrill from stacking boxes of cereal and tea leaves neatly together in a trolley. _

“O-Oh, gosh, no,” she quickly turns away. “Sorry, this is just a precursor of sorts to it.”

“Huh?” I raise an eyebrow at her skeptically.

She laughs to herself before pulling out her phone and scrolling down to something before showing it to me.

“This cake looks rather nice, doesn’t it?”

It looks like a flourless chocolate cake; decorated with confectioners’ sugar. The dense, perfect surface of the cake lets the sugar settle on top like a gentle snow on a wintery night. You know the kind, where you want to snuggle up with a blanket and a mug of hot cocoa. It’s certainly an elegant sweet, and more definitely something I could see Yuri enjoying.

“Yeah, it really does,” I nod.

“I was wondering… would you want to try making it with me?”

_ Oh? Now you’re speaking my language! _

I pause for a bit before flashing her a grin. “Yeah, actually. It’s a pretty complicated process to make one, even if the ingredients make it sound simple. It takes a while, but I have an idea for something that’d be great to make alongside it!”

_ Yeah, I’m fired up now! This is my element, my territory, somewhere I actually have confidence in myself. We’re going to make the best sweet treats the world’s ever seen! _

“So, I’ve got some ideas for some cool things we can put in it; although it usually needs to be chilled overnight, so there’s something else I’d like to try and make alongside it if you’re okay with that?”

“Of course,” she titters, “I suppose it would be nice to have something tonight to fill the anticipation of the cake tomorrow.”

We shouldn’t have to stick around for too long; there’s only a few things we need, and they’re all pretty easy to find.

“I think the chocolate’s probably the most important thing, so let’s pick that out first,” I say, taking the lead and carefully inspecting each bar. Yuri’s about to reach for the first one she sees, but I reach out to stop her.

“Hey! We can’t use just anything; we need something that’ll give the cake that distinct richness; something with a slightly higher amount of cocoa.”

I scan the shelves until I find my prize; a few bars of semi-sweet baking chocolate. I grab them and hand them over to Yuri. She blinks for a moment before smiling to herself.

“You know, it’s nice seeing you like this.”

_ Eh? What does she mean by that? _

“N-Not in a weird way or anything! Just, you know… there’s a spark in your eyes whenever you get into ‘baking mode’, and your face really lights up.”

_ How do I respond to that?  _

“O-Oh… well, uh,” I scratch the back of my head bashfully, “that’s how a pro tends to look, right?”

_ Smooth. _

“A-Anyway! Let’s move on!”

Hoping to leave the tangible awkwardness back in that isle, I make my way over to where the eggs should be. However in the distance I see…

_ Oh no. _

“...Natsuki?” Yuri turns towards me, “is everything alright?”

_ That’s him. He’s right there. _

“N-oh, yeah, everything’s great over here!” I blurt out, overcompensating for my fear by being super energetic. “I-I was just thinking, we should get something else first!”

Without waiting for Yuri, I make a beeline in the opposite direction. I can always go for eggs later. Hell, maybe we don’t even need eggs, right? We could just melt the chocolate and it’d be just… melted chocolate and powdered sugar. People eat that, right?

I peek over my shoulder to see if he’s following me.  _ He’s turned around and he’s closer; did he see me? What do I do? _

“Natsuki!”

I snap back to the supermarket, with Yuri now right beside me. “What’s going on? You look like you’ve seen-”

“I did! Right over there, he was-”

_ Hold on… _

Against my better judgment, I take a couple of steps back to get a closer look.

_ … that’s not even him. It just looks like him! _

“I thought…” I sigh, “I could’ve sworn I saw him, but…”

“Who?”

“M-My uh…”

The word gets lodged in my throat. I want to tell her, but it just won’t come out. Fortunately, she seems to pick up on what I was trying to tell her.

“...are you feeling alright?” she asks with a tinge of concern in her voice.

“Yeah, I’m… fine. Sorry, I don’t know why that happened…”

“Hmmm…” Yuri rests her hand on her chin, “that sounds a lot like... “

She trails off, lost in thought.

“I think today should be a fun day, but we should talk about what happened just now tomorrow. Would that be okay?”

_ That’s not good. _

“Sure, I guess…”

“Okay. For now let’s try and think about what we need for that cake.”

Yeah. I shouldn’t let some weird thoughts popping into my head get to me like that. We came to get stuff to have a good time. Let’s focus on that for now.


	26. Blissful Baking

Fortunately, Yuri didn’t press me about what happened earlier outside of a little aside in the moment. I’m not sure if it makes it better or worse that she wants to put it off until tomorrow; on one hand, I don’t really want to face that stuff if I can avoid it, but _knowing_ that it’s coming tomorrow isn’t the most comforting feeling.

_But we’re not going to do that today._

We bring our supplies into the kitchen, and I have us get to work immediately. As I wash my hands, I ask her to set aside the cake tin, but also mention that she needs to find a second one that’s slightly bigger. 

“Do you think we have enough ingredients to make two cakes?” she asks, raising an eyebrow skeptically.

“Nah, it’s part of the process. Even if we _did_ have enough, flourless chocolate cake is super dense and rich; the lack of flour means it’s not super fluffy like you’d expect a cake to be. Because of that though, you need to give it an even heat, where you bake it whilst the tin’s half-submerged in water.”

“Goodness, that sounds difficult to manage…” 

“Don’t worry, it’s just as simple as the recipe; it’s pretty much just chocolate, sugar, and a load of eggs, so you have to make sure it’s cooked through; having it cook in a little bath in the oven helps to spread the heat evenly.”

With a quick flick, I light the stovetop, the brave roar of the flame officially signaling the start of the task at hand. Breaking up the bars of cooking chocolate we’d gotten, I carefully manage the heat whilst stirring it through. Every few minutes, I reach over and crack an egg into the mixture, humming contentedly without even thinking about it. It’s only after I’ve added the last egg that I realize what’s happening and glance over to Yuri, who’s looking back at me with a soft smile.

“Hey, uh, Yuri? Everything okay?”

She blinks for a moment before looking away bashfully.

“S-Sorry! I didn’t mean to stare, it’s just… you, um, look really happy.”

“I do?”

“Yes... it’s just really wonderful seeing you comfortable and confident. Not to say you’re not confident, or that I think you don’t like it here, but well...”

She looks down, a rosy glow painting her face.

“It’s admirable; despite everything that happened to you, you’re still you.”

_...huh?_

“...Uuu... I’ve made things awkward, haven’t I...?”

“No, you’re fine,” I say, “it caught me a little bit off guard, is all.”

Is it really that big of a deal that I’m having fun? I guess it’s a bit of a contrast compared to how things have been recently; honestly, it’s been kind of a blurry haze of panic and tears, so an afternoon where I can immerse myself in something I know I enjoy feels great.

_Maybe that’s how I could kick these silly thoughts of fear… if some bad memory pops up, I’ll cook it in the oven at a few hundred degrees._

Once the cake’s all mixed together, I carefully pour it into the tin, place it in a bigger pan half-filled with water, and stick it in the oven.

”Hey, would you do me a favour?” I ask Yuri, who perks up at the opportunity to move past that quiet moment. “Hear me out, because I think this is going to be really good; could you take some strawberries out and core them? Like, don’t go all the way through, but make sure they’ve got some room inside.”

“Um, I suppose I can, but… what were you planning to do with them?”

“Ah! You’ll see soon enough!”

As she reaches into the fridge for the strawberries, I lean in and take out some cream cheese, whipping it together with some confectioner’s sugar before carefully scooping it into a pipette bag. Whilst Yuri gets to work, I melt a little bit of the leftover chocolate that didn’t make it into the cake, and add just a pinch of salt.

She’s surprisingly efficient with the job, circling through each with surgical precision. Once she’s done, she hands them over individually, and I alternate filling them with cheesecake and chocolate.

“Check it out! Chocolate and Cheesecake-stuffed strawberries!” I hold out the plate triumphantly. “Normally, you’d expect strawberries to go on top of the cake, but I thought this fun little inversion would be a nice treat we can have now; the cake’ll need to set overnight after it’s cooked, so although it’s a little simple, why don’t you give them a try?”

Yuri’s eyes light up immediately; contrary to what most people expect, she’s got quite a sweet tooth. She takes out a chocolate-filled strawberry and takes a dainty bite. Well, dainty enough as you could get whilst biting into a strawberry filled with salted chocolate.

“O-Oh, gosh!” her eyes widen as she swallows, “why does the salt work so well?”

“Heh, well it’s not particularly uncommon; salted caramel already exists, but lots of recipes for sweets, including cookies and cakes, call for a little pinch of salt. It acts as a bit of a contrary kick, which ends up bringing out the sweetness of whatever you’re making.”

“That’s… actually quite nice. It’s somewhat poetic in a way, isn’t it?” she ponders, taking another bite. “The sweetness by itself is alright, but the salt makes it so much sweeter by comparison. Almost like life, in a sense; we can appreciate the good things since we have those salty moments to compare them to.”

“I mean, sure, but I just wanted to make something tasty,” I chuckle to myself. “But what you said is nice too.”


	27. Warm and Cool

As the two of us pick at the strawberries, the house is quickly filled with the delightful smell of chocolate and sugar, warmly wrapping the room together in a comforting blanket. Before long, the cake has finished cooking, ready to be scooped up and stuck in the fridge to set overnight. Although it would technically be edible, it would be kind of weird and gunky; not like a cake should be. Once it’s had a chance to cool and become a bit more solid, I’m sure it’ll be something truly wonderful.

I’m not really sure what to make of how things have been recently. I feel like I’ve been making way too big of a deal about things that don’t matter much in the grand scheme of things; then I’ll have moments like this where everything seems fine.

“...is it normal for everything to keep flicking between being okay and barely holding it together?”

“Hm?” Yuri raises an eyebrow at me. “What makes you say that?”

_...oh damn it, did I really say that out loud? _

“O-Oh, uh, nah, it’s fine. I was just thinking I guess,” I awkwardly laugh, hoping that she’ll let that little lapse go.

“I understand,” she sighs, running a hand through her hair. “Sometimes it can feel like those happy moments in life don’t last long enough; before we know it, we’ve already finished our book, had the last bite of a delicious meal, or reached the end of a pleasant day out. Before we know it, we’re lying in bed wondering where the time went.”

“I must confess, it’s something that I find occupying my thoughts more often than I would like. But I try to remind myself that even if it’s over, it doesn’t have to be the last time it happens. It’s somewhat comforting to keep in mind that we can be happy again sometime in the future.”

I hadn’t intended for things to get so philosophical; I was more or less just doing the very thing I was getting annoyed at myself for doing so much.

“Sorry if I made things awkward,” I say, trying to shift the mood back to what it was earlier. “I guess I just wish things could be a bit easier, you know? I wish I could just get over myself and just enjoy life in the moment, rather than always feeling like I have to make sure everything’s safe. It’s bloody knackering; and it sure doesn’t help that I don't sleep well on top of it all.”

“I-It’s alright,” she says, smiling back at me. “If anything, I’m glad that you can be so open about these things with me.”

I feel my face starting to get hot, and being conscious of it is only making it worse. 

_ Now that I think about it, we know quite a bit about each other that other people don’t. _

Back when I first moved in with Yuri, or rather, the days leading up to it, I never thought anything like that would happen. Everything felt so… hopeless? But normal at the same time. It was like I was ashamed of what had been happening to me; after all, it’s not really anything serious, is it? Parents discipline their kids all the time. 

_ Although it was bad enough that I broke down in front of her and felt like I was in enough danger that I literally ran away from home. _

_...everything is just so confusing. _

“U-Um, if I may…” Yuri raises her hand slightly, as if asking for permission to speak, “I know nights can be difficult for you; however, last night you seemed to sleep quite soundly.”

_ Where is she going with this? _

“I don’t want to sound weird or anything, but…” a soft blush paints her cheeks, “if you would like me t-to, um, a-accompany you tonight as well, I wouldn’t mind…”

_ Okay, we’re skipping slightly embarrassed and going all the way to strawberry disaster. _

“E-Eh?! W-What’re you saying?!”

It’s clear that I’m not the only one freaking out about what’s happening; Yuri seems surprised that she even suggested it.

“S-Sorry! I promise I didn’t mean a-anything strange! Y-You looked so… um, that is to say, y-you… slept well…?”

_ What is happening right now?! _

Part of me wants to yell at her for suggesting something like that, but another part of me can’t deny that it would be kind of nice; before I fully woke up, it did feel comfortable and safe and she smelled nice and…

_ Do you even hear what you’re saying right now? Am I seriously considering going along with this? _

“W-Well… I guess if you’re insisting, I-I’ll do it. B-But don’t get any ideas about anything, okay?”

_...Damn it, I seriously am, aren’t I? _


	28. Sweet & Soporific

The time leading up to the end of the night seemed to simultaneously drag on for ages, and zoom by quicker than I could keep track of. As the moment got closer, my heartbeat got faster and faster until now, where I’m not totally sure my heart will be able to stay in my chest.

_Why did Yuri have to say that? And why’d I agree to it?!_

I mean, sure, I’d be lying if I said I _didn’t_ have a good night yesterday. But isn’t sharing a bed something you do when things are a bit more serious than just being good friends?

... _what am I saying?! And why does my face feel so hot? It’s not like there’s anything else going on, right?_

Yeah, I’m probably just overthinking things. I have issues sleeping, and she thought this would help. There’s nothing weird about it, there’s no ulterior motive behind it, and there’s no way anybody is going to get the wrong idea about anything.

I’m brought out of my internal panicking by a few soft knocks at the door. 

“Y-Yes?!” I blurt out a bit too quickly, bolting upright.

“May I come in? Are you ready?”

_Ready?! What does she mean by that? Is this really just going to be-_

Oh, she probably just wants to know if I’ve got my pyjamas on. I guess at least that’s one thing I’m not fretting about; I’ve got a comfy, easy to wear pair of shorts and a simple t-shirt.

“Sure, yeah, c-come on in.”

The door gently swings open revealing Yuri, wearing a similar outfit to myself except opting for a crisp button-down shirt.

“Uh, how are we going to do this?” I clear my throat. hoping she can’t hear my heartbeat.

“Well, I suppose we both, um…” as she realizes the situation she’s in, she blushes brightly, “w-we just do what we did last time…?”

“You mean, uh…”

_Geez, this is weird, isn’t it? It hadn’t totally occurred to me in the moment, but this is really weird!_

“I guess I’ll just try to go to sleep and you could… come in afterwards?”

Just saying that makes me want to bury my face into the pillow, but it’s probably the best “plan”, if you could call it that.

_God, this whole scenario feels like something you’d find in a trashy fanfiction…_

Before I can back out, I quickly hop into bed and pull up the covers just over my shoulders. Scrunching my eyes shut, I brace myself for her to either follow or tell me this was all a big joke and that she can’t believe how far I went along with it.

It doesn’t take long for me to find out which; sure enough, the other side of the bed presses down, and…

_oh my god this is actually happening, she’s so warm and her hair smells nice and-_

“Natsuki, are you sure you’re okay with this?” I hear her voice just behind me, “you’re awfully tense…”

_Am I? This is how I usually feel…_

Yuri carefully places a hand on my shoulder; although I instinctively flinch, I stay silent. She doesn’t say anything else, and just starts softly stroking my shoulder with her thumb.

Everything starts to feel a bit lighter, softer, comfortable; for the first time in a long while, I actually feel safe enough to start relaxing a bit. Perhaps I’ve been on edge for so long that just being able to let my guard down feels kind of strange.

“Are you still doing alright?” she asks again quietly. 

Wordlessly, I nod. The first wave of sleepiness hits me, and I shift a little as I settle in more. Any angst or panic that I might’ve had is gradually drifting away, like sand at the shoreline of a bright beach.

I can feel her heart racing against my back; it’s a little comforting that she’s also a bit nervous, but hopefully she’ll soon be able to rest a bit as well.

It’s getting more and more difficult to stay awake. A yawn that I can no longer hold back escapes, and I nestle against my pillow with heavy eyes.

“How’re you feeling?” 

“Mm…” I mumble, barely able to even muster up a response. “‘m good.”

“Alright,” she laughs softly to herself, “good night, Natsuki.”

“G’night…”


	29. Chaotic Callback

_ … _

_ ….. _

_ … _

Today was kind of uneventful, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sure, it can get a bit boring, but boring is better than bad, right?

In a way, it’s even somewhat comforting; it’s scary when you don’t know what’s going to happen next, especially when there’s so many possible outcomes. With any luck, I can carry this cozy quiet through the night, where I can be safely snug in my blankets. 

“ _ Okari,  _ Natsuki.”

_ Uh-oh. _

Why is he waiting for me at the door? I didn’t do anything wrong, right? I left his food alone in the fridge, I took the utmost care to not wake him up in the morning, I was back home on time...

“Would you care to tell me what this is?”

From behind his back, he produces a colourful book. The cover depicts two girls holding hands; one is clearly embarrassed whilst the other wears a teasing smile.

“I found it during our routine desk check. It’s yours, isn’t it?”

_ Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, how did I forget today was the day he looked through the drawers of my desk?! And why did it have to be that?! _

“Rumi and Anzu have known each other since childhood,” he reads from the back with scary sincerity. “They thought they knew everything about each other, but after falling in love, they have a whole new world to explore.”

If i were anyone else reading that out loud, it might be cringey. But from him...

“I’m disappointed Natsuki, I really am. I thought we’d talked about acting your age, but now this...“

I’m rooted to the spot, unable to speak. My blood runs icy cold as his eyes flare to life.

He haphazardly tosses the book towards me, barely missing my head. 

“Why do you have this, Natsuki? Is it not enough to be a brat living in your own world? You went and became a dyke, too?”

“...”

_ Idiot, say something! Anything! _

“It’s clear I’ve been a bit too lenient with you,” he sighs. “I don’t know where the hell you got this behaviour from, but I think you need some parental guidance.”

He raises his hand. I brace myself, hoping it won’t be too hard.

“Why do you make me do this, Natsuki?”

The hand comes forward and-

All I can muster is a small yelp as my eyes shoot open, revealing sunlight, a soft blanket, and arms around my shoulders.

“Natsuki...?” I hear Yuri’s voice behind me, groggy from being woken up so suddenly. “Is everything alright?”

_ Oh, thank fuck. _

I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding in, the immediate danger apparently nonexistent. It was all just me making a big deal out of remembering something from a while back.

“Y-Yeah…” I sigh, “just another silly dream.”

“Are you sure…? You’re shivering…”

_ I am? _

I didn’t notice until she pointed it out, but yeah, I guess I’m shaking a little bit.

“Well, it gets cold in the mornings!”

“Although you’re covered in blankets?”

“I…”

_ Damn, fair point. _

“What are five things you can see?”

“Y-Yuri…”

“Humour me,” she says patiently.

“O-Okay, uh…”

I quickly sit up and look around the room.

“I , u-uh… my bag, the curtains, a vase, a painting, and a desk…”

_ With a drawer. I don’t think I put anything in there, but I can’t remember. What if- _

“Four things you can hear?”

The sudden question makes me lose my train of thought. “...the birds singing outside? The wind, a clock ticking, and… heh, I think Mango’s hungry downstairs.”

“I’m sure she is,” she titters softly, “but can you tell me three things you can smell?”

“The lavenders in the vase over there, your shampoo, and I think there’s still a tiny hint of chocolate in the air from yesterday.”

“And two things you can feel?”

“The fluffy blankets and, uh, you…?”

I don’t know why, but saying that makes me feel weird and embarrassed. I’m just now registering that we spent the night together in the same bed like some kind of… I don’t know. But I’m surprised how calm Yuri seems to be given it all; it’s helping me not want to just shove my face into my pillow, at least.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Honestly? Kind of hungry. I was thinking-”

“No, I mean… any better?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Thanks, I guess…”

_ How’s that so effective? it’s so simple; I’m literally just talking about things right in front of me _

“Of course; I know it might seem a bit trivial, but sleep troubles are much more, well, troubling than people give them credit for. You deserve to feel safe, Natsuki, and it’s okay to ask for help if things don’t feel alright, okay?”

“I don’t want to be some whiny kid though…”

“It’s far from immature; it’s important to know when we need help. Would you be open to talking about it a little more later, perhaps over a slice of last night’s cake?”

“Sure, that might make it not so bad... “

_ She’s probably been thinking about this for ages, and only just now found the opportunity to put it forward. What does she have planned? _


	30. It gets better

Yuri takes a careful sip from her cup of tea, and crosses her legs. It’s still baffling to me how she can be so effortlessly sophisticated when it’s just the two of us, but she’s prone to becoming a stuttery mess in an uncomfortable setting. 

_ Meanwhile, I can’t manage much more than looking “cute”, jumping around whenever so much as a pin drops, and finding anything else to blame besides myself if something goes wrong. _

“So, uh…” I bashfully rub the back of my head, “what did you want to talk about?”

She clears her throat. “Well, I suppose there’s a couple of things. There’ve been so many ways you’ve been there for me, when things were really bad; the leadup to the cultural festival a while back comes to mind especially.”

“But now I think it’s time I returned the favour; I certainly don’t want to alarm you with any of my language, but… I also don’t want to mince words.”

I feel myself tensing up, bracing for some kind of impact.

“I know it might sound somewhat hypocritical coming from me, especially with what you know about me, but… I-I… again, um, this isn’t meant to be any kind of attack on your character or anything, I’m sure you-”

“Yuri,” I interrupt, somehow managing to keep my voice steady in spite of my nerves, “please just say it. I’m not going to hate you or get mad at you or anything, but I can’t take this lead up anymore. Please just tell me what you’re thinking.”

Closing her eyes, she nods. “I don’t want to come off as some kind of armchair psychologist, but… as I touched on the other day, I think you’re still processing some things. I want to help you in any way that I can, but I’m worried that I can’t give you the help you might need.”

_ Here it comes. I’ve overstayed my welcome, and put her through too much. She’s already had to live with a tonne of awful stuff, and I’m only making things worse. _

“Would you please consider getting in touch with someone to talk to? I think having a therapist would be really healthy for you. Of course, I’m not saying I don’t want to help, a-and I’ll still be there with you; if you’d like, I could even accompany you if it’d help you feel more at ease. I just… don’t want you to end up like me.”

“Yuri…?”

“I allowed my traumas to fester and ferment; I developed some rather unhealthy means of coping when things got really dark. I care about you a lot, and I don’t want you to go down that same path.”

Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting, but in a way that makes it so much more impactful. I’m used to being told I don’t matter, or that I’m a screw up, or that it’s my fault people don’t like me. But to be told that not only is that not true, but it never  _ was _ … how do you respond to that?

I think there was some point in the back of my mind where I always knew there was something wrong with me, and that it wasn’t my fault. But I didn’t want to believe it; or maybe I tried to push it away because by accepting it, it meant I wouldn’t be able to have a “normal” relationship with my dad. I already got halfway there by getting out of there in the first place, but it’s finally catching up to me how much I’ve actually been through. 

In the moment, I was just surviving; I didn’t have time to worry about whether or not I was developing some kind of stress disorder. However, now that he’s no longer part of the picture, everything I’d been trying to shut out just so I could get by no longer has anything holding it back. 

_ Oh god… I’m really not okay, am I? _

“...okay,” I finally say after what feels like hours but was probably only a few seconds. “I think I was too proud to admit it, or I didn’t want to think I was some sad little kid to pity. But… you’re right.”

Yuri’s lip trembles as a look of relieved happiness washes over her. Before I know it, she’s wrapped her arms around me in a tight embrace.

“D-Does it…” I shake my head slightly, trying my hardest to not let a tear escape, “does it get better?”

“With time,” she traces small circles along my back with her hand, “and with work. But it can.”

_ It can. It can get better. _

For the first time, I feel like those words are true.

It  _ can _ get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are. I feel like the story has run its course, and this is a natural concluding point. 
> 
> If it feels like a bit of an abrupt end, I apologize. There were other things I had planned to include, but... I don't know. It's getting really hard to keep writing. It's nothing related to DDLC; I still really enjoy writing the characters and the universe, but in general it feels really hard to keep going with things. It makes me feel a bit bad, since I used to be so passionate and was able to crank out three chapters of a story each day, but... I might've finally hit that dreaded writer's block.
> 
> It's possible that I might revisit this story and add to it; I had intended to write about Natsuki attending therapy, but ending here makes it feel more authentic to the experience in my opinion. The end point wasn't ever going to be "Nat fully processes her trauma and is 'cured' and happy ending"; given the progression of time throughout this story, it just wouldn't make sense, and I don't want to contribute to that notion that trauma can be trivialized into something that can be solved through "the power of love and friendship". Whilst love and friendship are certainly helpful, the recovery process can take months or even years. In some cases, people aren't ever able to fully be free of the shackles; I feel like I fall into that latter category.
> 
> That's not to say it's a hopeless situation though; although it's highly likely my traumas and triggers will follow me around forever, I can at least learn how to cope with them a bit better. I used a fair amount of my own trauma experience to write Natsuki, given we're both survivors of domestic violence at the hands of a family member, so I hope it turned out alright.
> 
> Although it might be a bit of a sudden end, I don't want to get to a point where it feels like I'm dragging on the inevitable. I don't want it to get to a point where it feels like I'm writing even more filler than I have been just to pad the length.
> 
> That said, if the right spark reignited, I would definitely reconsider returning to this, or perhaps even doing an epilogue-esque one-shot or two to examine what a session in therapy might look like for Natsuki. And I definitely don't want this to be the last DDLC thing I write; I just need to get in a better space in life where I can reignite the glowing cinders of my creativity (gosh, that sounds so edgy and pretentious, haha).
> 
> If you've stuck through this story since the beginning, thank you for your time. I know I'm not some kind of uberfamous superstar writer, but it's incredibly humbling to see peoples' nice comments. If you're just discovering me for the first time, and this is the first story of mine you've read, then hello! I'd recommend going through my first story, "Stale Cupcakes", as it's somewhat of a prequel to the events of this one.
> 
> Okay, everyone! That's all I have to say. I'll see you over in the next story :]


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